Anxiety of Misfortune

Read here my latest short story and please leave a comment ;)

Deep inside she felt it. Knew it was wrong. But she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't change the fact. She knew that she had to do it. She wanted it more than anything else. For such a long time. She couldn't exactly remember when this started, when and how it began. But she was sure that she didn't want to go back. She didn't want to lose her memory. Because it changed her in a way she couldn't describe. She didn't have the words, she couldn't tell anyone about it. No one would ever believe her. They might say that she's living a dream, that she tried to convince herself that this is real. It's only her imagination. But was it really like that? Was this only in her mind? Something she just created in her head? No, this could not be possible. No doubt. This had to be the reality. It couldn't be explained any differently. She hadn't started this. It was not her fault that it all happened like this. It wasn't her intention that this man came into her life. She had never seen him before, not even heard his name. How would she have known that it once would be like this? She couldn't predict the future. This couldn't be her fault. No way. Why did people try to convince her that it's just her imagination that let her see the things like that? Even when they're different? What is real and what's a stupid lie? She had to figure out the truth. What is hidden behind? Could she find it? Was there a possible, logical way to find out? She tried to remember the beginning of all this. Of the things that occurred to her in the last year. She had to find out if it was some sort of dream. Had the people really tried to tell her she believes in a lie or was that only her imagination? She couldn't say that, not yet.

She was lying on her bed, starring at the ceiling, trying to fix a point. Like she was looking for a special star in the sky, but she couldn’t make it out. She started to focus, to concentrate. What had happened? How? And why? Did this happen for a reason? Has there someone to be responsible for this or was it just something that some people call coincidence? No matter what it was, she had to think about it. Deep down she knew the truth, that was the only thing she knew thus far. She tried to recap everything. The way he stepped into her life. Came like out of nowhere and then expanding so quickly. Could she ever try to get rid of him again? That she didn't have to think about him all the time? What was the reason that he took such a big part of her? Could she ever get it back? She wasn't sure. Did she even want to abandon him of her life? Was it all only depending on her?

She laid down, felt the bed cover underneath. Her head rested on her pillow. Could she have avoided it? Would there have been any chance, even a slightest, that none of this wouldn't have happened? Would she have the chance to stop him? Taking more of her than she wanted to give? She closed her eyes, tried to recreate the images in her mind. She had to think about it. About that brief moment in which this man stepped into her life and took so much from her. The one who changed her life completely that she wasn't even sure if it was still her life that she was living. When and how? These questions were in her mind. She tried to remember. She never wanted that something like this would ever happen to her. She wasn't that kind of girl. She saw others, so many who went through this before. But she couldn't ask any of them. They would probably tell her that she's crazy thinking about this so intensively. She could not even dare to tell him what he'd done to her. So often she saw him. He was part of her life, since that brief moment, and there was no way back. Or was there one? One she couldn't see? She knew what was inside of her, she wanted to go back. Back before she met him that she didn't have to think about all this over and over again. She couldn't tell him and she couldn't tell anyone. That's not his fault. It's her own stupid problem. The reason why she never wanted this to happen to her.

Her mom once told her that one day the time will come. That someone will step into your life and no one can avoid that. It’s the circle of life. Something that has to happen. That’s what she used to say. And all the time, her daughter didn’t believe her. She would never lose the control over herself, she would never think about a person all the time. It would be like she would stop living. She would stop having her own life, the one she knew, the one she had and loved. What was wrong with her life? She saw all these friend of hers who had trouble after they started a relationship. They changed, and her lives, all upside down. She didn’t want to become one of them. Her fate, that was what she believed in, was to be on her own. She wasn’t living for anyone else, just for her. Sometimes she felt lonely, even though she never really was alone. But then she told herself all the things that happened to her girl friends, tried to convince her that she doesn’t need anyone in her life.

And then, one day, he came. With his dark blonde hair, and the blue eyes. Slim and tall. She couldn’t resist, couldn’t stop to watch him, listening to him. And the more she heard him talking, the more she started to like him. The way he spoke, his gestures, so many thoughts came into her mind. She couldn’t stop. She wanted to know more about him. She couldn’t describe it, didn’t know what it was. She needed time to realize that she thought she would like him, as she never dared to speak to him. Or write him a letter. He didn’t know me and he probably didn’t want to. She said to herself that it’s still her destiny to stay on her own, that she didn’t need anyone in her life. But for a reason, she so often found herself thinking about him. What he would do in that moment? With whom would he be with? Was he happy? She couldn’t stop herself, the more she wanted to do this, the more she still thought. He’s not the sun, and I’m not the earth, she told herself. I don’t need him. He doesn’t make my day.

She closed her eyes. Thought she could concentrate better like this. She remembered it all. Saw the pictures in her head when she first saw him. The person that he was. Back then she didn’t know that this brief moment changed it all. That he took something, and she needed time, lots of time, until she realized that she missed something. What would life be like, if she was part of his? Probably funny, she guessed. She smiled.


written by Sanny Spear, August 2012
please don't publish this anywhere without my permisson. thanks.