The sadness of being

John Paul II memorial, St. Anne's Hill

When I was in Poland two weeks ago, my friend showed me some pretty interesting places. Her Grandma lives in Silesia and my friend visits her a couple of times every year. It was my first time in Poland and the only negative thing about this trip was, that I don't speak any Polish. Luckily my friend's Grandma spoke some German and her husband some English. I enjoyed my stay there, and I met lots of nice and friendly people.

One day we went to St. Anne's Hill. its chapel is an important destination for Roman Catholic pilgrimage. I took some pictures of this amazing place and also the John Paul II memorial they built to remember his visit in the 1980s. 

Besides all these good impressions, there was one thing that keeps me thinking. My friend showed me her Grandma's neighborhood and where the kids lived she used to play with. We went to the cemetery and she showed me the grave of one of her friends. He wanted to save someone from drowning, wanted to rescue the kid in a nearby lake. The kid survived but my friend's friend died, he drowned. Her best girl friend died in a car accident. Her mother was with her in that car, she survived but will never fully recover from this and what happened to her daughter. Both friends of my friend were only about 18 years when they passed away.

St. Anne's Hill chapel

Too often I don't think about how soon life can be over. I read an article about a girl who died because she was texting while driving. It only needs one second of carelessness, not paying attention what's happening. A crash. People can be injured or even die. More and more often I hear about persons who use their phones while driving. No matter if they "just" want to call someone, write a text or whatever. They underestimate the danger, not only the one they put themselves in, but also other people. You can easily lose control.
Imagine you are driving and then, in the blink of an eye, you see lights coming closer and there is no way for you to avoid a crash. It's not your fault, but the other one's did something on his phone instead of paying attention to the street.

Car accidents happen way too often, and many of them can be prevented. Why do some guys think it's cool to text and drive? Is it necessary to take life for granted and to not think of the risks? Or maybe to think that nothing will happen because nothing happened all the times before? Misbelief.

I think a lot about life and what really matters. I also go often to my Grandpa and my Grandma's graves, just because I want to "see" them. And I think of my time with them, how much we laughed and how much fun we had. Then I think of how many years have passed since then, and that it doesn't seem to be this long. It was like they were just here, and then they were gone. Your eyes can't see them anymore but anyway I can feel that they are still here with me. And when it comes to my Grandma, I'm happy I had these 12 years with her, because the doctors said she will only live a few months more after her cancer diagnosis. She lived more than 10 years longer. So at least we had that time together.

Life is unique, it's special. And once it's gone, well you can't buy a new one or fix everything. It's not like a car or something. Life is precious. And I realized too often how soon it can be over. But it's not important how many years you lived as long as you actually lived. You can only do that when you love, when you embrace and enjoy your life. Be yourself, leave your own footsteps in the sand of life. The people who only follow someone's traces never dared to be themselves.

No money can buy what really matters in life. You're born naked, you enter this world having nothing, and you can't take anything with you when you have to go. But while living, many become greedy, they want more and more. More money, more wealth, more luxury. Sure it's better to have a bit more than a bit less, but having too much can destroy people. They start thinking more and more about making more and more $$, and forgetting about the rest. Friends and family are the ones who won't forget you, who love you for who you are. That's what money can't do. And only true love and someone who really cares for you, makes you happy and alive. Don't take that for granted!

Suddenly too soon

Today is my birthday and normally I should be happy, thinking about the beauty of life, how lucky I am to have these amazing people, my family and friends in my life and all the wonderful guys I 'met' online, and I am happy but I'm also sad at the same time. Last Monday I heard that Cory Monteith died, who played Finn Hudson on Glee. I was shocked and still can't believe it. I can still read the Tweets he wrote last week, he posted a picture, I saw him on TV so often, was impressed by his singing and acting and now he's just gone. It's like when Heath Ledger, Aaliyah and Brittany Murphy died. All so young and talented, and it happened just too soon. 

Now it's revealed that Cory died because of a heroin and alcohol overdose, and once again I'm shocked. Drugs are so often the reason of many people's deaths, so why do still so many take them? It's not on me to tell people what to do and what not, but I hope that at least some guys realise what drugs can cause them, and as hard as it might be, they should try their best to get rid of them or better, do not even start taking them.

Source: Quote that talk Tumblr

It doesn't matter how you lose a beloved person, it's always horrible. Even more when you are far away, and it happened in a sudden. When I first read how Jim Parsons lost his Dad, I couldn't and still can't imagine how he must have felt back then. He had been very close to his Dad, he supported Jim and his wish to become an actor all the time, and while Jim was working on his final project, shortly before his graduation, his Dad died in a car accident. Jim came from San Diego, where he was studying, back to Houston and he didn't wanna finish his Master's degree at first, but then he did it. He realised that he "could only be of use to the family fully if [he] did what [he] needed to do and then went on...". Jim also told Pop Matters that he had a terrible sense of direction but his Dad was good at it, and when he went to New York after his graduation, he knew how to get around so quickly that it boggled his mind. This all reminded me of what my Mom told me when her Mom died in the year 2000. I felt her presence though my eyes were unable to see her. I knew she was there and still is, because like Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote in "The Little Prince": 

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

For me, heaven is not a place up above, it is in the heart of the people we love. When the soul has to leave its body, it will find its peace and be in heaven, when it can continue to live in the people she loves and who loves her. Some fans of Michael Jackson or Elvis think they are still alive and they are somehow, as long as there are people whe won't forget them. Through their music they will always be part of our lives.

picture by Vincent Lock 

Reading about someone who died is always a shock when she was part of your life, and it reminds me of how fast everything can be over. No one wants to talk about it, to think of it, but we have to face it because it's part of our lives. I lost three loved family members when I was a kid, and I never understood why they went. It's hard to realise that you will never see this person again, someone you grew up with, someone you spent so much time with. To realise you will never talk to her, never give her a hug, never hear her voice again, makes me so frightened. 

I thank God that I can celebrate my birthday today, that I completed another year of my life, and I hope much more of them are still to come. I don't take life for granted, and also not all the things I have. I feel lucky and blessed. My prayers go to Cory's family and to his girlfriend Lea Michele. And I dedicate this poem I wrote last year after the Mom of one of my friends died, to everyone who lost a loved person:

Save you

I wish I could save you. I wish I could stay, but you know that I can’t. I never wanted to leave you. And I want you to know, I will never leave you completely. I will always follow you, no matter where you go. I didn’t want to tell you that I have to go, because I never wanted to hurt you. But since you figured it out, I feel something has changed.

I wish I could save you, honey. I wish I could take all the pain away from you. I don’t wanna see you suffering, I don’t wanna see your tears. I need you to smile. I wish I could tell you, it’s gonna be alright. I wish I could ease your pain. But I know that I can’t. I will forever be with you, forever by your side.

Please stop crying, honey, I don’t wanna cry. I want you to smile, I want you to go on for me. I hope you’ll never forget me, as I will never forget you. You’ve been the greatest and best, that ever happened to me. You made me alive. Please understand, that I have to leave. I would love to stay, so please just never forget me.

I will go on living in you. Stop crying, smile for me. Just one last time. I wish I could save you, I wish I could say that it’s gonna be alright. I wish I could ease your pain. I love to see your smile, I love to see you being happy. I still love you and forever will.

Why?

Since last Friday that's the only question I have in my head. Why? I keep asking myself that, but there's no answer. I can't find one. Nothing would explain why this had to happen. There is no explanation for that. I don't have any words for it. What brings someone to do that? To shoot at small children?

This all made me very sad, and all my thoughts and prayers go to the families of the victims. The gunman took 27 lives, and destroyed their families. Kids who will never come back, who will never smile, never play, never laugh again. They died, and big parts of their parents died too. How hard must it be for them? No one can put that into words.

When I firstly read about it on Twitter, I read an article which was about a teacher trying to protect the kids and calm them down when even she was horrified. The kids were frightened, and one said: "I only want to be home for Christmas." And the teacher replied: "You'll all have Christmas and Hanukkah. All will be fine."
That really touched me and I had tears in my eyes.

Christmas is the time people should come together, families come together. We all work the whole year, some do that far away from their parents and families or have to travel a lot, but on Christmas - we are all together. Christmas and also Hanukkah are both holidays that remind us of the good things that happen, holidays of love and joy. I don't want to think about next week, when I think of the families who lost their angels.

So, there's still the question: Why? WHY? A question that is mostly asked by kids, kids who are curious, kids who want to know, want to learn things, to be prepared for life, to have their own life. That's why they go to school. But 20 kids can never ask anymore. 12 girls and 8 boys - all only 6 or 7 years old. Innocent people who had their whole life ahead. Now the whole world asks the one question: Why?

Where do we live when not even at school our kids are safe? - Just one of many questions I read on the internet. Questions that keeps me thinking and sad. It was not because of the teachers, no, they protected the children, tried to calm them down. Like Vickie Soto, 27, she's a real hero for me. She died because she shielded the kids, saved some of them. She loved them all, loved to teach. She gave her life trying to protect them.

Today are the first funerals. The funerals of young children who are supposed to live. Who are supposed to have a life. I'm thinking of the kids, teachers and their families. Praying. Hoping that such a tragedy will never happen again. And I keep asking WHY?



Don't let us forget the victims. 

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