What are you looking for?

So finally here it is: my first script that I published on here throughout the whole July. So here you can download the whole script as PDF and read it in one, or read it again.

This is all pure fiction. And as it can't be used for the show itself, I really hope it doesn't cause any trouble. If anyone of the show itself, what I doubt but I wanna clearify that, would read it and there would be any problem, just write me and I'll put it down. I really don't wanna get in trouble with anyone of these brilliant and creative minds, who inspired me a lot thus far and are still doing that. The show brought me back to what I mostly loved, the writing. I paused it for a while, but it needed the show to let me realize what it was that I missed all the time.

The story also has the physics stuff, and the Star Trek like the show itself. But it's not about the characters, it's about the actors themselves and what they could do, or what could have happened to them during a break after season five. But as I said it's pure fiction - so of course I know this won't happen like that. As I don't know any of these guys in person, I don't know if they would really behave like that. And some things might sound weird at the beginning, or are overstated, but it's all nicely meant.

I really hope you enjoy reading it, and as English is not my mother tongue, I would be really glad if you tell me when you don't understand any sentences, when I used a word wrong, wrote it wrong or I used some wrong grammar. I would be also very happy if you tell me what you like and what not, e.g. about how it's written.

And if you wanna publish it somewhere, or wanna know more about my work, please write me. Thanks.

So here it is, as a free download. Please don't edit or change anything, it's for reading only! Enjoy it ;)

 PDF-File What are you looking for? - written by Sanny Spear, June 2012

On which cloud are you?

Some years ago all people would have answered: on cloud nine. And if not, they at least wished to be there or go there again.

Well, I don’t have to mention that things have changed in the past years. There are so many clouds everywhere we go and look. And no, I don’t mean the clouds we see when we look at the sky, I mean cloud computing. The computer has clouds, the computer is the new heaven. We can save everything there, it is a cache on the Internet, so you can save all your data, music, letters or whatever, and reach the stuff with any device. Because it is all on the Internet and not on your home computer.

like the heaven is the internet full of clouds. everyone can reach the data from everywhere.

I have to say I use Google Docs for writing and saving my blog entries on the Internet until I publish them on my blog. But is this really safe? Sometimes I think about that. I mean, it is nothing important, just my thoughts about various things, and I would never save any real important information there like my bank account data. This is a good service, because nowadays we don’t just have one computer, we have lots of devices with which we can use the Internet, e.g. our smartphone.

Everywhere we go, we take our data with us, we show more and more of ourselves on the Internet, with the entire world. What a revolution. But we also should take good care of what’s really important, things we don’t wanna anyone else to see. Some publish too many pictures and stuff like that e.g. on Facebook, and don’t think about the consequences. I mean also all social media network sites like Facebook or Twitter, are clouds as well. Because you can upload pictures and save it on the Internet, so that everyone can see it. But keep in mind, the Internet is not a person. A person can forget, the Internet not. Once on the Internet, for ever and ever on the Internet.

Whole life in 24 hours

I might have mentioned the last book I read. It's called 'Before I Go To Sleep' by S.J. Watson. I have to admit it's one of the best books I ever read and recently finished reading it. The story is about a woman who wakes up every morning and has no memory. She can't remember anything. Imagine you wake up, and don't know where you are, or even who you are? Every day you have to discover yourself.

She only has a few memories of her youth, and sometimes she can remember a few things, but after she went to sleep and wake up the next morning, it's like the last day didn't exist. She only lives for the day. The time has no meaning. The man she wakes up with every morning, she can't remember him either but has to believe what he tells her. About their marriage, about their son, about their life. Every day the same.

Her doctor had the idea that she should write some sort of journal and he calls and reminds her every day to read what she did the days before, and what memories she had. And so she writes about her life every day that she can re-read the thoughts she had that day some days after. That she can read her own memories, and has not just believe what others tell about her and her life. So the diary gets longer and longer, and the reader is like that woman who reads her journal and gets to know about her and her life.

Living with no memory of yourself and your life is really hard.

It let me start thinking about memories. What would we be without them? Isn't it our memory that makes the person that we are right now? We remember the good and the bad things that occured to us in life. We met people, those we can trust, and some who really disappointed us in any way. Luckily I haven't met many belonging to the last group of people, but I do have met some weird guys, and also some mean and dishonest people. Memories help us not to do the same mistake again, and also let us remember the people who once left us can so that they can still be alive in our memories.

How would it be for you losing your memory? That you don't know who you are, how your name is, to whom you're married? That you don't recognize your own kids, or brothers and sisters? I guess it would drive me crazy. It's like starting a new life over and over again, and don't have any life at all. I mean you neither have a past nor a future. You just live right here and right now. It's like meeting a stranger, but also knowing that you're meeting yourself. Every day is like a whole life. Next one starting tomorrow after waking up, will last 24 hours or less, depending on when you fall asleep, and then it will all start again.

Anxiety of Misfortune

This is my new short story. I hope you'll like it ;)

Deep inside she felt it. Knew it was wrong. But she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't change the fact. She knew that she had to do it. She wanted it more than anything else. For such a long time. She couldn't exactly remember when this started, when and how it began. But she was sure that she didn't want to go back. She didn't want to lose her memory. Because it changed her in a way she couldn't describe. She didn't have the words, she couldn't tell anyone about it. No one would ever believe her. They might say that she's living a dream, that she tried to convince herself that this is real. It's only her imagination. But was it really like that? Was this only in her mind? Something she just created in her head? No, this could not be possible. No doubt. This had to be the reality. It couldn't be explained any differently. She hadn't started this. It was not her fault that it all happened like this. It wasn't her intention that this man came into her life. She had never seen him before, not even heard his name. How would she have known that it once would be like this? She couldn't predict the future. This couldn't be her fault. No way. Why did people try to convince her that it's just her imagination that let her see the things like that? Even when they're different? What is real and what's a stupid lie? She had to figure out the truth. What is hidden behind? Could she find it? Was there a possible, logical way to find out? She tried to remember the beginning of all this. Of the things that occurred to her in the last year. She had to find out if it was some sort of dream. Had the people really tried to tell her she believes in a lie or was that only her imagination? She couldn't say that, not yet.

I don't want this blog post to be very long, that's why I made a whole site for the whole story. So if you wanna go on reading, please click here....

Where home is

I have spent some time abroad, on Grand Canary, and I really enjoyed it. That's also the reason why I didn't blog that much within the last few weeks. For me it was the first time I spent on the island. The view from my room was amazing and I wished I could have taken it with me, but unfortunately it didn't fit into my suitcase :(
On the first day someone from the travel agency told us a bit about the Spanish island. I was mostly astonished about the fact that it hasn't rained since May last year. Where I live it's normal that it rains almost every week (not now, because I have at least taken the heat with me).

the view from my hotel room - could be worse, right? -kidding ;)

Every day was warm, and even it was sometimes a bit cloudy, it never rained and though it was windy at the beach, it had never been cold. The temperature was constantly about 85 degrees - so I was totally happy because I love it when it's warm and sunny like that. My family and I rented a car and explored the isle. We saw some harbors, cities, and lots of mountains. It was really impressive, and we also met lots of friendly people. I am not that person who finds it easily to just go to someone I've never met before and have a chat, but the few I spoke with, were very kind. Of course we spent a day at the beach, too. Not that many because I am very pale, and when there was one thing I didn't want to bring home was a sunburn. Luckily I didn't ;).

no it's not Egypt - it's Grand Canary - just a big sand box ;)

But for some reason, as much as I always look forward spending some time abroad, to sit on a plane (though I don't understand why so many people applaud after landing - I mean no one claps his/her hands after I've done my work well), and fly far away from home, I am also always happy when I am back home again. Mostly I'm already happy when we drive through the city I was born. But this time, it was the first that I felt nothing. When we sat on the bus back to the airport, it just felt for me like we're making another trip. And now, that I am home again, I felt like I haven't been abroad - though I have all the memories about what we did, what we saw.

like taken from a movie - the mountains of Grand Canary

Do you know what I mean? Maybe it was because it was only a week, maybe because it was the first time after 4 years that I saw a beach and palm trees again. Maybe I felt that it wasn't time to go back home. Can this be possible? Or that I feel that the place I was born is no longer my home? Can this change? I still live with my parents, and I wanna have my own place, but as I don't earn any money right now - but start to look for some writing jobs to get at least a bit money - I simply can't move. When I have finished my basic studies I hope I can do my internship semester somewhere within the US. I hope that I can convince my friend to go next year with me to Los Angeles, visting my relatives and finding out if I really can imagine living there.

Do you still feel at home where you was born or has this changed? Can the definition of home change? Is home always where you come from, or where you feel currently happy?
I guess it's the place where you love to be, spending most of your time, where you have your friends. I think as we all change, our safe place can change, too. I will never forget where I come from, and it could be that I will miss it once when I spent too much time far away. Of course I have my family here, and that will be hard when I can't see them daily anymore, but I guess I have reached a point in my life when I wanna start and live my own life.

To forget how to forget

We can forget so many things. I don’t know why. So many things I wanna keep in mind, but I simply can’t. Why is it like that? What is working wrong with my short-term and long-term memory? Why is it easy for someone to remember something that I can’t? Or I can remember something that she can’t?

The brain is a big mystery. It can do so many things, and is so complex. With the computer we try to copy it in a way. To come close to it, with saving things. Nowadays when people wanna know more about the brain, especially young people, they try to explain it the other way round. So they use the computer and tell them, based on that, how the brain works.

But unlike us, the computer forgets nothing. Even the internet remembers everything. The brain is not like that. So many things we forget. But is the information really lost, or can we just not remember? Some things will never be ‘transported’ from the short-term into the long-term memory. Some things we just saw, but never paid any attention on. It might will come back once as part of our dream but then we just can’t remember to remember it. I mean when we see something like a person in our dream, we can be sure that we have seen him or her before in our real life because our brain is not able to create new persons, or surroundings.

our brain is like a net with lots of connections

So we can remember even things we can’t remember. That’s the miracle of our brain. We can forget everything, except how to forget. That’s what will be different between our brain and the computer. We can forget, but never forget how to forget things, and we can remember things we don’t remember.

The way I am

You probably have met people in your life and recognized that they weren’t just that nice and friendly as they seemed to be in the beginning. When someone talks bad behind your back about you, it’s not quite easy to deal with such a thing. So what are you doing? Just going to that person and say he or she should stop saying such mean things about you? Would you even dare to do that?

People judge, they complain, they try to find a way to make someone else bad. Maybe to distract attention from their own mistakes which they try to hide. I have seen it pretty often while I was working in an office. You can do so many things good and one single thing wrong and what will be seen by the boss? Right: the wrong one. So even when you do 99 % right - no one talks about that, it is assumed that you do it all correctly. But when it comes to the 1 % you did wrong, the boss will only talk about that and only see that.

when people talk bad about you, you sometimes just wanna hide

The same when you are not that good as anyone else. Maybe you were taught to act differently in a situation or you have a disability that you try to hide or you made an experience that changed your mind and attitude on something. So you might handle a situation differently than your boss expect but no one would ever care. No one is interested in why you are different, everyone sees that someone else can do it, so why not you?

Everyone is challenged in life, mostly in the working world. It is a tough place, you have to fight hard when you wanna survive. You can only do that when you know what you can do best, when you know about your strengths but as well as about your weaknesses. You have to turn your weakness into a strength, or at least convince the others that it is not a weakness. That will make you stronger.

Some guys wanna see you perfect? No, they just don’t want you to be better, so they have to make you bad. But you can strike back - be who you are, know more about you than anyone else. Someone is maybe better than you in something, but worse in something else, and that’s what you try to find. Not to blame the others for that, but prove that you are special and absolutely essential.