Jim Parsons talks to playbill about The Normal Heart

After I watched The Normal Heart which aired last Sunday on HBO, I was touched by it in so many ways and had tears in my eyes several times, that I decided to write my next blog post about it. But before I share my thoughts on that, I wanna share with you what Jim Parsons thinks of this movie and and how much it affects him. Why is this movie so important? How was it working with Larry Kramer and Ryan Murphy? Which scene was Jim mostly touched by, and what's different compared to the play? This interview was originally published on playbill.com.

The Normal Heart character poster
with Jim Parsons

Best known for portraying Sheldon Cooper on “The Big Bang Theory,” Golden Globe Award winner Jim Parsons opens up about the impact The Normal Heart had on his personal life, his professional career and what it has to say to young LGBT people.

Nearly 30 years since it premiered Off-Broadway at the Public Theater in the midst of the AIDS crisis, Larry Kramer‘s impactful docu-drama The Normal Heartmakes its long-awaited screen debut May 25 on HBO.

Parsons, who portrayed AIDS activist Tommy Boatwright in the Tony Award-winning 2011 Broadway premiere of The Normal Heart, returns to the role for Ryan Murphy’s vivid screen incarnation, which Kramer himself adapted.

Playbill.com spoke with Parsons about his connection to Kramer, the character of Boatwright and straddling the worlds of The Normal Heart on stage and screen.

The Normal Heart is a cry in the dark during a terrifying moment in history, and Larry Kramer turned that flashpoint into political theatre. As an actor, does that affect you at all, or add deeper urgency to your work? Or can it be a distraction from simply being in the moment?

Jim Parsons: Yes and no. The “no” for me is simply that I did not, foolishly or not, go into the play or the movie with any sort of feeling in my head of, “This is important! Gotta get this right!” It just wouldn’t have behooved me at all. I wasn’t naïve; I understood that it was hugely important. But all I could do with that was do my job, which was the acting of it. That being said, that importance did affect the work in a good way and did lend gravity to each and every scene and each and every character. As long as you can keep it from making you shrink in fear as an actor – “Am I doing a good enough job?” you can really utilize it. And it made things very real. It’s always important, as an actor, to have your stakes be very high, as life and death as you can make them, and in this sort of situation, that was so easy. Both in a literal sense because what we’re talking about is life and death, but in a less literal, more character-driven sense, in that these are real people, and this is about real lives that have been lost. More than you can count. And what we’re doing here is important in that regard.

So much actually happened politically when you were doing this on Broadway. Marriage Equality passed here in New York while The Normal Heart was playing. People who attended The Normal Heartthe evening it passed said it was a very special event.

Jim Parsons: That was one of the strangest events of my life. We finished the show, we did the curtain call, we walked offstage and somebody stopped us from going upstairs and said, “Hang on, if ya’ll want to wait around, they’re going to make an announcement.” And one of the producers got up and said, I can’t remember the exact words, but he brought all the houselights up and said, “I’m sure you were all good theatregoers and had your cell phones off, none of you probably know that New York State just passed gay marriage.” And, like I said, the houselights came up, we all came back onstage to applaud everybody, just life, and each other… everything. I was just so moved. It was such a rare experience on so many levels from the silly, which was to have the houselights up on this packed theatre of people you just performed this very emotionally wrenching play in front of – you don’t normally get to see all of them like that. And obviously much bigger than that – What are the chances to have had this passed in New York City as we perform Larry Kramer’s The Normal Heart in New York City? What the hell?! It was intense.

And the only other thing I’d add to that is that it was one more way in which I looked back and with disbelief, that Larry had ended this play with a marriage in the early 80s. I was alive then. I was a child, but I was alive then – and even though I was alive at the time this was written and even though I’ve seen things move and progress in so many different ways, even I have trouble understanding how absurd it was, this notion that he ended this play with at the time. You have to really think about it and try to put your feet in a different era, which is very hard to understand how unbelievable it is that he put that in there because that’s all we talk about lately; and in a good way for once! It’s just more and more, it’s just like, “Of course, well, why not?” I don’t feel like in my life that I’ve seen an issue evolve, as you will, so rapidly and in front of our faces in my entire life.

Having time to reflect on the Broadway production, the political implications, the awards… Did having breathing room to process all of that impact you or add depth to your work when it came time to shoot the film?

Jim Parsons: I’m sure it did. I think it was almost a two-year period between finishing the play and starting the movie, and I think it would have been difficult to jump from the play straight into the film. Logistic reasons, for one thing. Even two years after the Broadway show had closed; to hear some of these lines coming out of new mouths, to hear some of these Ned lines now coming out of Mark Ruffalo‘s mouth, to hear Joe Mantello, who was my Ned on Broadway, and now he was Mickey, was very jarring in my ear for the first couple of days. You quickly got over it because things were going so well and the scenes were intense, and the acting and the actors were so good at taking their parts that it quickly became theirs. But I can’t imagine how that would have been going straight into it.

On a less literal level I’ve never been in a position to have essentially gotten to do so many months of homework on a project before. Literally living day in and day out with that material for months and then to let your subconscious sleep with that for a year and a half and then to go back to it again. That is something that I don’t know the ways that it affected me, but I know it did, and I’m very grateful for it.

Did you initially know that you’d be part of the film following the Broadway run?

Jim Parsons: When we did the play, I knew the movie was happening, and I had no designs about being in it. I didn’t not want to be in it, I just didn’t think I had a place with it. [I figured] that Ryan [Murphy] would be doing his own thing and that it will, of course, be his own cast. And no one had come to me, you know, everyone knew where to find me if they wanted me for it. But a couple of months after getting back to LA after closing Normal Heart, I got a call from my manager saying that Ryan did want to meet and I found out even later, that even just recently, that it was really Larry’s goading that Ryan met with me. Although I don’t know that he did it dragging his heels behind him, but that was what happened. It was really Larry who had pushed for me to be seen for that.

What was your working relationship like with Larry on both the play and film?

Jim Parsons: It scared the shit out of me. Having Larry around for the play scared the hell out of me. I was scared to death that Larry was going to come along and say, “You’re ruining this part!” Not because I thought I was [bad], but just that negative human instinct of going, “Oh, God. It’s his baby and he’s here to watch it.” But the exact opposite happened. Well, obviously, he went to Ryan on my behalf by the end. But even during the play, I knew that he was very forthcoming with his positive feelings about what I was doing and I was so grateful. I only bring up that I was scared because I was too scared to pepper Larry with any questions. I thought that if I was doing something wrong, he’ll probably tell me, so why go asking for trouble. What I did do though was that I found out that Tommy is based on Rodger McFarlane, and there is a fair wealth of information to find on Rodger. The first thing I found was that he had recently died; he committed suicide a couple years before the play. That was heartbreaking. But he left such a legacy of organizations from Gay Men’s Health Crisis and Broadway Cares, and also he literally wrote a book. It’s about seeing somebody through the end of life. And that was the most interesting thing to me. I read a lot of it. And there was a certain way that you can kind of hear him talking through it. His voice… There’s a rhythm and a music to the way that Rodger apparently talked, that also being from the South, I feel like I could hear the song in there. I think it’s really useful given the topic at hand. Dealing with death and dying in such an intimate way can really use a bit of a song, if you will. There’s something about Rodger’s presence, apparently, and I think Larry put that in Tommy, too. There’s something about those characters, the real person in that character’s presence that helps take an edge off for certain people to deal with certain things.

The play is immediate in a way that only theatre can be. What struck me so profoundly watching the film is how terrifying and vividly this moment in history is presented. In the theatre, the audience must fill in those gaps to some degree; everything is so visually specific in the film. Did that in-your-face realism color the work for you?

Jim Parsons: It’s not that it rang more deeply, it’s just that being part of the play – It’s one of the things that fascinated me about doing the movie version, but really getting to watch the movie version to see if it’s as effective because so many things don’t transfer from one medium to the next very successfully. More often than not, if you’ve got a good book when they make the movie, you’re disappointed. [Laughs.] And this was kind of the exact opposite case. It seems to glow in the cinema as brightly as it glowed onstage. But I think that has a lot to do with the fact that one of the things that worked so deeply about the theatrical production, a certain lack of realism with everything but the emotions, everything but the heart and the emotion. There was a gurney onstage, there was a telephone on stage, there was a chair onstage, there were some groceries onstage, other than that… there was nothing. And when we did the play, I thought what was so brilliant about that (thank you, George C. Wolfe) was that it made all of the emotions and the words more real and more impactful. That was your meat and potatoes, that was it.

That would be a very strange movie. That’s not what Ryan did with it. Instead, everything is fleshed out to the nth degree. For me, as an actor, having that, I have to say, it simply made life a lot easier because one of the things I keep having to talk about, and I don’t mind I enjoy it, the eulogy scene that wasn’t in the play, but was in the movie. It was emotionally hard, but that was okay because you knew that that was the point, to traverse in that area. So as an actor it was a pleasure in going there because that’s what you were supposed to do, to tell the story properly. But as far as preparing for it, you just walked into it. We were in a church and everyone was wearing their clothes for a funeral, there was a body in a casket, and it was like, “Well, there’s no ignoring this.” I would have to willfully take myself out of this mindset, it’s sitting right here. And that’s an extreme example, I’m sure that Mark and Matt and Julia probably felt similarly about some of those hospital scenes. There’s just no denying it at a certain point. Set or no set, part of the mind doesn’t know the difference at the end of the day it just knows we’re at a hospital or at a funeral. And so, I don’t know what that has to do with the material transferring from one medium to the next, but it certainly worked at a different but equally effective level for me as an actor.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a playwright with so much at stake in their work, certainly not the way Larry Kramer does it. He was standing outside the theatre passing out information on HIV/AIDS. How involved was he in the film?

Jim Parsons: Once we were actually shooting he wasn’t around a whole lot, I think because of health issues, but he was there for some key moments. It was all the work that he had done with Ryan before. I’ve heard Ryan talk about that. To work with Larry is to work and struggle with Larry, and Ryan threw himself into that, as one must to get something like this done. It was such a difficult process to get to this point right here. Many years and even once in Ryan’s hands still more years and whittling away, and there lies the key for me. Like many things in life, those things that aren’t that easy to get done tend to turn out more brilliantly because you chop away all the excess bullshit, you know? You go back and forth enough and you struggle with enough people and emotions and minds that sometimes it’s not too may cooks spoiling the pot. Instead, sometimes it’s the right people getting together to say, “Here’s the diamond that we have.” I felt this way doing the play, but I felt this way as I watched the movie too, there’s a real clarity about it, it’s not a mystery. It’s not confusing, it’s not muddy, it’s just as clear as a bell, which only makes it more painful because there’s no disguising what you’re seeing in front of you. And what you suspect happened at that time, what you think you’re hearing is exactly what you’re hearing. It’s not an over dramatization, it’s not gussied up, this is it. And that’s very powerful.

The Normal Heart is not just a history piece, it’s also about our future. What do you hope young LGBT people, who are coming of age now, will take away from the film?

Jim Parsons: Without a doubt. I think it’s so important to understand – I personally, everyday reap the benefits of the efforts of the people depicted in this. Not just even as a gay person, but as a human being I stand on the shoulders of the efforts of these people, of Larry specifically, of the other characters that he depicted after real people. And that’s always good to know. Obviously, you can be grateful and have a level of respect for what came before, and more importantly, who knows what’s next? And who knows what’s next with what group of people? This story may or may not be important in the future as far as what happens with gay people, or even disease, but what’s so powerful about this story, I think, and why time has been really good to Larry’s text, is that the story transcends being about a specific group of people and being about a specific disease. It’s a tale of human beings and of how they treat each other both for bad and for good in certain periods of time for whatever reason. It’s a tale that’s been told before, and sadly, but let’s all get informed now, [it] will get told again. Whether this serves as a warning to keep your eyes open or it serves as a lesson on how to react to whatever injustice is being practiced next. I think that’s important.

In The Normal Heart, Ned talks a lot about claiming our gay identity and coming out. Is that information valuable to you? Do you think that it’s important for people to come out? Did it have a meaningful effect on your career and personal life?

Jim Parsons: Well, yeah, oh God yes. The freer one feels about who they are, you know, in all aspects. But the more comfortable with who they are, just every hour of life is easier. What’s hard, and this has always been hard, has been trying to say what’s best for somebody specifically. It’s amazing to me that Larry was able to put voice to the fight of “everyone must come out” on Ned’s end and he is also the man who wrote Bruce’s side, which is that, it is not for you to identify other people. My hope is that the progress that is going on and the way the world is going, we’re going to a time where it won’t even be a topic. Who you are or not, as far as sexuality goes, will not even be any more interesting than anything else about sex is, which is always obviously going to be somewhat interesting. [Laughs.] But I don’t think it’s all the way there yet. I have tried to live as organically and as honest to myself as I can. By the same token, I have never desired to have a cover story about “let’s talk about my sexuality.” My hope was that it would always just be a part of who I am, the same way that I don’t cook a lot is just a part of who I am. I’m very fortunate that it sort of turned out that way for me. But again it goes back to the people and the story that we’re talking about in The Normal Heart. That’s what paved the road for that to be possible.

Life's beauty

Sometimes life can be pretty tough. Things change, people leave, things don't work out the way they should. I am sure everyone gets into such situations from time to time. I have been there, too. When I was a kid I kept asking myself why so many persons I love, had to leave me? All my friends went to weddings and christenings, but I had to go to funerals. And I still wonder sometimes, if I bring some kind of misfortune to my loved ones?

This jellyfish looks like our planet Earth and
symbolizes life's beauty.
pic by Steve Jurvetson

Life comes and goes. I have learned that. And it was not only once that I had the wish to live in a perfectly harmonious world. Like shown on TV. I have never had a group of friends who were like my second family and I could share everything with. Or that I met the same guys daily. I only met one friend daily, now it became monthly, and sometimes not even that works out, due to work and that she is already married and has the cutest daughter on earth.

So seeing my friends only a couple of times a year, and that they all don't really know each other coz I met them in different places of my life, I sometimes wish to be back at school. Back to the times when you didn't have to worry bout money, your future or even the next day. You never thought of anything but just lived day after day.

In one of the latest Simpsons episode Homer wanted to live in Lego world, a place where his kids never get old, no one gets hurt and nothing ever changes. And in season 7 finale of The Big Bang Theory Sheldon deals with too much change in his life, too. He runs away, probably like many would love to. But is this the right way to deal with problems? Homer figured out that time with his kids is limited and exactly that makes it special. They will always love him but keep growing too.

Change frightens everyone. We love to do things we got used to, things we know quite well. When it comes to new things, we start analyzing. We wanna figure out the risks, what could happen. And we all feel more comfortable in things that had always been this way. But would it be really good being a kid again, going to school? I would miss many people in my life that I wouldn't have met if I ever stayed that young. Experiences you cannot make. Life is not always easy, as bad as it can be, never close your eyes for the good things too. I am sure there is much in your life that you are proud of. Focus on that. And don't forget:

it is not important what but who you have in your life.  

My current fave German song is about life, its beauty and everything that is still ahead of you and me. Future can be scary, but should not be. If everything stays the same, would this really be a life worth living?

Eurovision Song Contest sets political statement

Yesterday Conchita Wurst from Austria won the Eurovision Song Contest, a huge music celebration in Europe. Once a year every country can send an artist to represent her country at the Song Contest. It gives everyone the chance to hear music they might never heard otherwise. Winning this competition in 1976 was huge for Abba, because afterwards they had an amazing and very successful career. Their songs are still heard and they are some sort of role models for everyone taking part these days.

We are like ballons - colorful and unique
and wanna be free.
pic by gwaar

But it is not only about the music anymore. Sure, music connects people. They can sing in their own language, and you don't have to understand every word to understand what they sing about. The Eurovision Song Contest unites Europe in the most positive way. And this year it also sets a political statement.

The winner comes from Austria and is a guy, dressed like a girl but having a beard. His actual name is Thomas Neuwirth, who is an Austrian singer and drag artist. What looks strange at first has a good reason why he does it like that. Because it doesn't matter the way you look or who you are, as long as you simply be yourself.

He has called himself Conchita Wurst, because there is a German saying that goes "es ist wurst" which means "it doesn't matter". So what does it mean that he/she won this? That it is okay to be you, and you will be loved for being who you are. There will always be people who try to put you down. But if there is anyone out there calling you ugly, she will be the ugly one. Because ugly is an attitude, it's someone who doesn't want to accept other people but are only self-centered.

Everyone is beautiful. Your beauty lies within you. 

When I ask people who they think is beautiful they always name girls like Heidi Klum or any other top model (I don't really know many models because i don't like that business that reduces everyone to her looks). Actually I always wonder why people mostly care about someone's eyes or body or whatever. It is when I read magazines or some forums on the internet and the same people discuss the same things over and over again. No matter what is on TV, it is mostly about how someone's dressed and looked instead of writing about what she said. That must be the reason some "celebrities" like the Kardashians exist in the media.

Why did we become people who mostly care about the hair, makeup, body, etc and also drive ourselves crazy by thinking we aren't perfect the way we are? Why do we reduce people to how they look? Imagine the show "The voice" was real life, and you only hear a person's voice, and then think about if you wanna get to know her or not, and after that decision you see her face, would you think differently about her than just seeing her? The character of a person is much more important. But no one sees anyone's character. The clothes you wear, gives strangers a first impression of who you might be. She then thinks of other guys she met who looked similar than you and so put you into some sort of box. It is based on our experience what we see in people. It is caused by evolution and good to prevent us from people who could harm us. But it also can let us being prejudiced against some people, when there is no reason to be. We only see what we wanna see and close our eyes for what is really there.

Have a look at the video below. Maybe close your eyes and just listen to Conchita's voice and then watch her. The eyes are the biggest liars, we can see more clearly with our heart. So back to her winning the ESC yesterday: Europe accepts people no matter what. And that is good. Because if there is one thing we all want, it's freedom. And how do we become free? When we get the chance to be who we are and being accepted for that. And this makes someone really beautiful: when she dares to be herself and also accepts and respects others for being who they are.

Give your dreams wings to fly

A dream is your wish your heart makes. I have lots of dreams. And I think that everyone should be full of them. Even kids do dream a lot, they have millions of wishes. It's sadly often that people set their goals too high and when they can't make them come true, they lose their faith in their dreams. The more they fail, the less they try again or even dare to have another dream. Many adults came to me and said, they stopped having dreams years ago. The older they became the more they realized that life is anything else like a dream and it always comes differently than expected. But I think some give up way to soon and some just think dreams will come true without the guys doing anything to let it happen.

Having dreams is what keeps you strong, what helps you to make your life better. You have dreams for a reason. When something doesn't turn out the way you want it to, change it. Do something. It's always worth trying.

Only the one who tries can win, the one who doesn't try has already failed.

Each and every dream is like a
balloon that that carries your wish to the sky.
pic by D. Sharon Pruitt  

What always surprises me is how many wanna become Hollywood superstars. When you ask kids about their favorite professions, they answer: actor, singer, model. But why? They don't see the hard work, that not many actors, singers or models can earn their living with their jobs. That the lucky, talented and blessed ones who work and live in Hollywood are the only ones these kids see and dream of and notice. But these guys are only a very few compared to all who currently work in these jobs. Hollywood is like an actor itself that only shows its best side. Everyone who reads Hollywood thinks of a perfect life, luxury and glamour. But it can be mean, tough, hard. So, I never wanted to be there, to live there. It's surreal in so many ways. It takes long to be there, even harder to stay there but dead easy to get kicked out.

Fake people can be everywhere. You can never be sure who is really nice and who is only acting like that. I already had to deal with such people in my life, who extremely disappointed me, but that's another story. And luckily there are more nice people I met in my life who let me believe that the good in people still outweigh the mean guys.

So I was really impressed by this one actress, who doesn't dream of Hollywood. She simply wants to entertain the ones who need it the most: sick kids. Kids who spend their entire lives in hospitals, not sure if they'll survive, if they can beat their diseases.

She goes to hospitals, and she talks to the kids. About their dreams, about their hopes and wishes. What do they love? Then she writes a story with them, sings and dances. They do a little musical together, filled with a story she created with the kid. It fulfills her to see these kids smiling, to give them moments of joy, moments they won't forget. When she is with them, the kids don't think about the bad things, not about the hospital or maybe that they have to leave their parents sooner than they want to (and kids do notice that. No matter how young they are, they do care about their parents, too and don't wanna see them suffer.).

Not only kids can get lost in art, and express their feelings
in singing, writing, dancing and acting.
pic by D. Sharon Pruitt

Hollywood is just a money making world. It's all about the money. But this actress I am writing about is different. Art should primarily touch people, make them feel better. You can cure people when you sing, when you dance. These kids can express themselves. They tell their own stories, tell her what's on their minds. Though they are mostly in pain, their fantasies are full of colors.

They can get lost in the art. And that is what art is for. 

No matter if singing, dancing, writing, acting, it's not about the money, it's not about becoming a big superstar. There are so many who do it because it's their passion, because they wanna make the world a bit brighter, a bit more colorful.

Do never lose your ability to dream. You can do it. Don't set your goals too high, and you don't have to be the best. It's not about competition. It's about what your heart feels, what feels right for you to do. When you do it with passion, people will appreciate it. It doesn't matter how many people can see you. Even if there is just one person out there who does, you can change her world for the better. And as important money these days is, isn't it the best reward to make someone happy?

The sadness of being

John Paul II memorial, St. Anne's Hill

When I was in Poland two weeks ago, my friend showed me some pretty interesting places. Her Grandma lives in Silesia and my friend visits her a couple of times every year. It was my first time in Poland and the only negative thing about this trip was, that I don't speak any Polish. Luckily my friend's Grandma spoke some German and her husband some English. I enjoyed my stay there, and I met lots of nice and friendly people.

One day we went to St. Anne's Hill. its chapel is an important destination for Roman Catholic pilgrimage. I took some pictures of this amazing place and also the John Paul II memorial they built to remember his visit in the 1980s. 

Besides all these good impressions, there was one thing that keeps me thinking. My friend showed me her Grandma's neighborhood and where the kids lived she used to play with. We went to the cemetery and she showed me the grave of one of her friends. He wanted to save someone from drowning, wanted to rescue the kid in a nearby lake. The kid survived but my friend's friend died, he drowned. Her best girl friend died in a car accident. Her mother was with her in that car, she survived but will never fully recover from this and what happened to her daughter. Both friends of my friend were only about 18 years when they passed away.

St. Anne's Hill chapel

Too often I don't think about how soon life can be over. I read an article about a girl who died because she was texting while driving. It only needs one second of carelessness, not paying attention what's happening. A crash. People can be injured or even die. More and more often I hear about persons who use their phones while driving. No matter if they "just" want to call someone, write a text or whatever. They underestimate the danger, not only the one they put themselves in, but also other people. You can easily lose control.
Imagine you are driving and then, in the blink of an eye, you see lights coming closer and there is no way for you to avoid a crash. It's not your fault, but the other one's did something on his phone instead of paying attention to the street.

Car accidents happen way too often, and many of them can be prevented. Why do some guys think it's cool to text and drive? Is it necessary to take life for granted and to not think of the risks? Or maybe to think that nothing will happen because nothing happened all the times before? Misbelief.

I think a lot about life and what really matters. I also go often to my Grandpa and my Grandma's graves, just because I want to "see" them. And I think of my time with them, how much we laughed and how much fun we had. Then I think of how many years have passed since then, and that it doesn't seem to be this long. It was like they were just here, and then they were gone. Your eyes can't see them anymore but anyway I can feel that they are still here with me. And when it comes to my Grandma, I'm happy I had these 12 years with her, because the doctors said she will only live a few months more after her cancer diagnosis. She lived more than 10 years longer. So at least we had that time together.

Life is unique, it's special. And once it's gone, well you can't buy a new one or fix everything. It's not like a car or something. Life is precious. And I realized too often how soon it can be over. But it's not important how many years you lived as long as you actually lived. You can only do that when you love, when you embrace and enjoy your life. Be yourself, leave your own footsteps in the sand of life. The people who only follow someone's traces never dared to be themselves.

No money can buy what really matters in life. You're born naked, you enter this world having nothing, and you can't take anything with you when you have to go. But while living, many become greedy, they want more and more. More money, more wealth, more luxury. Sure it's better to have a bit more than a bit less, but having too much can destroy people. They start thinking more and more about making more and more $$, and forgetting about the rest. Friends and family are the ones who won't forget you, who love you for who you are. That's what money can't do. And only true love and someone who really cares for you, makes you happy and alive. Don't take that for granted!

Celebrating the greatest gift

Every year we celebrate the miracle of birth. The greatest gift that we got is life. Being fine, being healthy is something we shouldn’t take for granted. Money can’t buy what is most important. So every year we think of our birth and celebrate life.

Parents do not only celebrate their own birthday, but also the ones of their kids. For them, their kids are like parts of themselves. They gave them life. A mother will never forget the day she gave birth to her child. The first time she heard her screaming, the first time she held her baby in her arms and saw her smiling are very special moments for every mother.

me with the Milton Mickey key chain I sent Jim

The love of a parent lasts forever. It’s a bond that never breaks. Family is what matters the most, what keeps us alive, what makes us stronger and encourage us to continue when life gets tough. Family is love, love is home and home is family. So wherever you find love, someone who really cares about you, keep this person in your heart. Family isn’t only blood related, it’s who truly loves you and who gives you this feeling to be home.

Today is Jim Parsons’ birthday and this year I was thinking of a present that might be his biggest wish - in some way. When I saw him as Sheldon in Big Bang Theory season 6 Christmas episode, when he talked to Santa that he wanted his Grandpa back, I saw Jim talking about his Dad. Last year he mentioned his Dad’s name, who died in a car accident, on “Who do you think you are?”. As a sign that his Dad is still with him, I bought a Mickey key chain and sewed a shirt. So this Milton Mickey should show him, though his eyes can’t see him anymore, his heart still can and his father is still always with him.

Well, sewing is not my strength, actually it’s the first time I ever did this, so I also wrote a poem. I thought of what Jim’s Dad might say to him if he had the chance to.

"Remember Me", the poem I wrote for Jim - click on the pic to enlarge it

 

Birthday is not only our day of birth we celebrate. It’s that we are all together with our families and forever will be. Birthday is the time to share with family, to forget the everyday stress and just enjoy the time and celebrate life.

Happy Birthday, Jim Parsons.

Like walking on giant stilts

What is your dream? What did you want to become when you were a kid? Did your dreams come true? And why do people lose more and more the ability to dream? Lots of these questions I asked myself lately. When I was a kid I had no specific wish for my future, no dream job or something like that. And I wrote with a couple of people who told me they stopped dreaming because dreams were like fairytales and they would never come true.

As a kid I believed everything is possible. Kids create their own explanations, they use their fantasies because they still have to learn how things actually are and work. The more we grow, the more we learn, and the more we know, the less we imagine. But imagination is the key to success. If you don't believe in yourself, who will do it? No one. Life can be tough, it's not easy, it's not a fairytale. But that does not mean dreaming is impossible. We have to dream to survive. We dream every night. Sometimes we remember what it was about and sometimes we don't. But sleep is important, and so are dreams. No one can survive without dreaming. And only the one who has dreams, has goals in her life to achieve. And that is what really matters.

Is it your dream to go to Paris one day?
Then go for it! Dreams aren't senseless!
pic by Adrian Boliston

Sure there are lots of kids out there who want to become famous. And youtube became a good way to make this easy for everyone. No matter where you live, you only need an internet connection, a camera and something you wanna show the whole world. Justin Bieber is a good proof it can work. But he also shows the negative aspects of it. Being so famous, being watched all the time can drive someone crazy. It's like walking on stilts. We all wanna be seen by everyone and so we have to be taller than the people around us. We wanna show what we can and that we are good. So we use some sort of stilts, and walk around on them. The higher we go, the more famous we are and the more likely we are seen.

But every girl who once walked in high heels knows, the higher the heels, the less easy it is to walk in these shoes. And so when you fall, even that can be seen by everyone, after your stilts became higher and higher. And so it is in Hollywood. We all see these people, we love them for what they do. They entertain us, the connect us in many ways and Justin Bieber shows that it's possible to dream, that it's possible for all of us to become famous and successful if only we work hard enough and believe in ourselves and our abilities. But it also means that we are watched, even in those times we don't want to be seen by anyone else. And it's hard to keep walking on these giant stilts without falling sometimes.

But falling is not failing. Not trying is failing. That's the difference and that's what most people forget these days. Many have lost their faith in themselves, to try new things. They remain stuck in the things they know. Don't be afraid to fall. As long as you get up again, every fall makes you stronger and wiser. Never stop dreaming. Never stop trying. Even when we are grown up, what do we really know about the world? Is it so much more than back when we were kids? Compared to what is possible to know, we know nothing. So we have to dream. Dreams encourage us to become a little bit better every day.

So it doesn't matter what others may think of your dreams. And stop thinking that you are grown up and that means you are not allowed to dream anymore or that nothing good will ever happen to you - that is NOT true!

Only the ones who keep trying, who keep dreaming, are the ones who really live, and the ones who will be successful in the end. So never stop trying. Never stop dreaming. Never stop being you.

The mistreated wish of all

What has everyone in common? The wish for freedom, the wish to be treated equally, the wish to be herself or himself. But why do some guys still think they can decide how everyone has to live? Today I read in the newspaper about Uganda and that gay people were treated like criminals there. They have to go to jail when two men or two women kiss in the public and openly say they love the same sex. When people know someone who is gay, he or she has to tell the government or even this person can go to jail. When I read that I was thinking: what the heck is wrong with such people? Why do they think true love is a crime?

Love is not a crime

pic by Lisa Spreckelmeyer

About 100 years ago, and way before, people married just for having a family. Love was not what really mattered. But these days we know that no one can survive without love in her life. It does matter. Love has many sides, you do not only love the one you wanna kiss all the time and have intercourse with. It’s also how much you love your friends, your parents, your kids.

Only the one who has love in her life, has a real life. 

Who am I to tell someone else how to love? You can’t force anyone to love anybody particularly. You can’t. Love is something that no one can describe, but only feel. There is no right or wrong. People who say God made Adam and Eve and not two Eve’s or two Adam’s, well, to those I say, that God made different people. Everyone is unique, everyone is special in her own way. Everyone is an individual. And how would it be if some gays would go to such guys, who think that a man can only love a woman and vice versa, and tell them: you are a man, so you have to love another man or you will go to jail! What would these people say, if they were treated that way?

There is so much hate in this world. And also so much crime. When I read the newspaper, when I watch TV. I don’t wanna be in the Ukraine right now. Why are people fighting? Why do some guys want to control everything and everyone? Why are some people harming other people?
The wish of everyone is to live peacefully together, but Utopia is just an utopian dream. Because everyone wants it, but so many don’t allow this to happen. There are people who have a vision, and they want others to follow their rules, to do what they want. But when other guys try to tell these so called „leaders“ what to do, they have to suffer for only trying to be against or just questioning them. 

In what poor and cruel world do we live? As much as I enjoyed watching the Oscar’s, I also thought of some homeless kids, who have no parents and have to steal food to survive day after day. And there in Hollywood you see so much glam, so much money, such a perfect world. Utopia does exist, it’s called Hollywood. It’s not that I think all these people don’t deserve this, they worked hard and everyone who won, everyone who was nominated deserved this, but these people have so much money, too much they can actually spend on stuff they really need. And on the other side of the world, too many people have to starve. They have nothing. So where is the „everyone is equal“ that you can read about in the Bible? 

People who work hard should earn money, so for sure. But when someone earns $ 50 million every year or even more, what can one single person do with so much money? Why needs Bill Gates $ 76 billion? For what? One single person? 

Some people beg to survive, and other people don't know
how to spend all their money.
pic by Alex Proimos

There is so much that I don’t get in our world. The life we have is a gift, it’s unique, it can’t be replaced, there is no restart button. So, the dream of everyone is Utopia, is to be a part of Hollywood, the perfect world. But nothing is perfect. Perfection isn’t real. But everyone can do her best, so we all can move a bit closer to perfection. Accept everyone for who he or she is. Don’t try to force her to believe and do what you do. You don’t want others to force you to live their lives, do you? When no one gets hurt, (and it doesn’t count that a man feels hurt when he sees two men are kissing, only when he tries to start a war, with words or weapons, THAT will really hurt people!), love is just that: love. Special, and the most beautiful thing in the world everyone should accept and appreciate.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Ellen DeGeneres would be the next President of the United States. That would cause some kind of a revolution. Maybe one that is needed for some guys to understand that women have the power, too, not only men, and that nobody should be judged for who she is and how she loves. Everyone deserves equal chances to show what they are capable of, no matter which sex, religion or where they come from.

Allow yourself the freedom to be who you are!

This song called "Utopia" by Within Temptation is already 5 years old, but the first time I heard it was just a few weeks ago and since then I love it. The lyrics are so true.

Good way to relax

the hotel pool in Hurghada/Egypt

I love to travel and see new places, meet new people. Two weeks ago, I spent a week in Egypt with a friend. It was the 6th time for her to go there but the first one for me and because of what I heard in the news of that country and read about it, I wasn't really sure if I wanna go there. But I'm glad she convinced me. It was an amazing week. It was warm, the sky was mostly cloudless, the Red Sea was crystal clear and perfect to swim and dive and see the impressive underwater world. Sometimes I thought I was at Sea Life. It was as clear as the water in the swimming pool, which was pretty amazing. In fact, there is nothing I could complain about. We were not near Kairo, where I'd probably not go to now, and so it was a quiet stay and a perfect vacation to just relax. We did not even watch any TV, listen to radio or used the internet much - the connection is very bad and it's very expensive too, but one complete week without internet at all was just not possible for me, so I was one hour online, only on Twitter and Google+. It was a bit strange and now I'm happy to have everything back and know again what's happening in the world, but for one week it was perfect to just switch off everything completely, don't worry about anything but only live for the day and focus and embrace the present. I think this was needed that I don't care about college or work or anything, and at least during the vacation this is the best my friend and I could do!!


So this week I was not only relaxing, having fun and reading an awesome book - Last to die by Tess Gerritsen is the best thriller I've read in years! I'm not a big Rizzoli and Isles fan, I watch the show only sometimes, I mean I like it but I watch so many other shows and often I forget when it's on, but that book is just great. I couldn't stop reading, so if you love thriller - you have to read Last to die!!!

If you wanna know what this book is about, watch the video below.

This one week in Hurghada/Egypt I was thinking a lot. Like places I'd love to go to. And because of a good friend who loves Doctor Who and we were talking about it lately, I asked myself: where would I go to if I had a TARDIS? Somewhere in the future? Meet someone in the past? Go to another planet? Or just meet my friends all over the world who I "met" on the internet? Well, maybe that would be one thing I'd love to do, for sure :).

Doctor Who's Time and Relative Dimension in Space
pic by Louise .

But what I also love to is going back to see my grandma and talk to her again. She died in the year 2000, and I do have a video, so I can watch her, hear her voice and see her laughing, though she was already very sick then, but I'd love to talk to her. Just one more time. I also love to meet her husband who died one year before I was born. I think I'm not much interested in the future. It's like you read a taping report of a new episode of your fave show - when you watch it then and know exactly what happens, this takes all the fun from it. So if I knew what happens in my life, I think I will be less excited for it, coz not knowing what will happen is what encourages me to try something new. So instead of the future I'd love to go back and meet my ancestors, knowing where I come from, talking to these people and get to know more about their lives would be really interesting. So it's like my own episode of "Who do you think you are?".



Where would you go to if you had a TARDIS?

The road of life

Last week I had this dream of me being in a house. Everything was broken, like after a big earthquake. There were a few people standing there, one familiar face was looking at me, smiling, nodding. I looked at him, smiled, turned around and started to run. I don’t know what it was that I ran away from. I knew that I was walking on train tracks. I let them guide me and I felt that I was safe if only I kept walking. 

Sometimes I turned and looked back. I was followed. No idea who was it, but I had to run faster. I didn’t want them to catch me. I heard voices saying: „the tracks will end soon, and then she won’t know where to go.“ And they did end. But I was still running. Running in that direction I felt was the right one. I had no clue if it really was, but I kept running. And it felt good. The ones who followed me seemed confused and stopped. I was relieved and woke up.

pic by Coniaric

At first I thought, what kinda crap did I dream? I dream often. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s just weird. But these dreams don’t let me stop thinking about them. I mean there is a reason that I dreamed them. Normally a person only dreams about her day, and mostly forgets what she dreamed after she woke up. But maybe I dreamed about my life, not only a single day, but the current situation I am in.

The longer I thought about it, the more came the story of the book „The Road“ by Cormac McCarthy, which I read last year, into my mind. The most touching father/son story I ever read. They walked on the road, knowing that if they won’t leave it, they will be safe. The world around them was burned, cold, seemed like being lifeless. They couldn’t trust anyone. There could be people hiding somewhere, watching them and maybe who wanted to harm them. So they had to be careful. They had to look for food. People had to leave their houses because of something bad that happened and made the world like this. The father tried to find food, clothes and stuff for his son, to protect him, to keep him warm and alive. That was his priority. Everything they had was each other. They loved, cared about each other. And each other was all they needed. 

me reading "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy

Maybe I am walking on this road, too. Or maybe, like in my dream, I follow some train tracks and believe it’s alright as long as I won’t leave them. Coz if I leave, who will know what’s gonna happen? I wanna survive, I wanna be safe. But sometimes I might have to risk something. I reached a point where I have to leave this safe road. When it ends. Then I have to start finding my own way. But I have to keep walking, don’t go back. I can turn around now and then, but one day I will be on my own path. There might be something or someone that tries to bring me back or hold me back. It needs one person to encourage someone to start her own way. It maybe leads me to wrong places, maybe I choose a wrong direction. But maybe this is needed to show me the right way. There is this saying "to be on the right track". So I believe kids do have to follow, they have to have their parents who are these tracks and guide them. But when they are adults, one day they will come to that crossing where they have to be their own train. That's where I am, or feel to be. I have to start creating my own tracks. They will lead me to my goal, maybe not the straight way, but it’s my way, and the way I'm going it to reach my goals in life, is the right one.

I do love the book, I love the story. What really matters is true love. No matter what kind of love. In this book it’s about a father and his son who are each other’s entire world. They have nothing else, they don’t know what the next day will bring. Will they find food, a place to sleep? But they know as long as they have each other, everything is fine. And they follow the road, and the son follows his father, till the end.

„Borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it.“ 

- my favorite line from "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy 

 

The only thing you cannot run away from

Had you ever had the wish to just run away from something? Maybe because it's too much, maybe because you felt that you can't handle a situation? I had this wish - not only once in my life. I felt weak, thought I would probably blame myself and people might think I'm stupid or something.

When I was a kid I could not speak in front of the class. I was just too nervous, because everyone was looking at me. So I faked being sick, not feeling well. I thought before I say something weird, or sweating or opening my mouth without a single word to find its way out, I just run away. Well, not literally of course. It felt like this was the best thing to do. Now I know that running away is the easiest but never the best way.

Big Ben in London/UK
pic by Bob Jagendorf

Studying Media Management let me become even more awake of how important beauty and youth are these days. A celebrity without makeup is simply impossible, and it's not enough; they also need Photoshop to look even younger and fresher, better and more perfect. People wanna become old but no one wants to look old. So, do they really think they can run away from time? 

Time is everywhere. It surrounds us all. No matter how fast you try to run, it's impossible to be faster. Once it's gone, there is no chance to get it back. You all know this new word "YOLO", don't you? (for those who don't, it means "you only live once".)

Only the memories will still be forever in your mind. And that is a good thing, isn't it? You can't just delete something that happened. What is done will stay in the past, except for some reminders like pictures or videos. Or wrinkles. All these wrinkles tell your stories. When the same muscles on your face are active over and over again, they are proofs that you have laughed, that you have joy and happiness in your life. Do you want Hollywood to take that away from you? It's the place for actors, they play roles, and Hollywood wanna modify them. But you are not part of that big show. You are you, and you are wonderful and beautiful the way you are. And you don't really wanna look like a kid for the rest of you life, do you?

If time isn't there, nothing would ever happen. It would all stay the same. You won't meet new people, no kids would be born, you would always stay the same age. Okay, maybe when you are at a certain age you wanna stay like that, but how would your life be like, if it was endless and the same all the time? Would you appreciate the gift that you got? This unique and special gift? You only have one life, take the time that you have and enjoy it. Your life is worth living it!

You can't see it, you can't touch it,
but you know it's there: time
pic by Divi-ded

Sometimes it feels like time is just rushing by and sometimes it seems to be in slow motion. I remember when I was kid, I thought I will never be an adult. Days seemed to be endless. I went to school, I did my homework, I met my friends. I lived for every single day. Now I am planning. I have a schedule, things that have to be done. Time can be scary. It can be good too, like when you count down the days to meet a friend you haven't seen in a while. Studies proved that waiting for something positive to happen, can make you feel happier. When I have to speak in front of people these days, I don't try to run away from it, but instead of I face my fear. Although I can't wait for it to be over. It will never be one of my favorite things to do, but time gives me the chance to grow. To try things and to overcome my fears. 

Time can trap you in some ways. When you wait for the doctor or sitting at the bus station. Time seems endless, when you focus on it. When you look at your watch or your phone all the time. But when you don't think of time, it feels like it doesn't exist. You just live and enjoy your time. 

Time can be scary. But don't try to run away from it. Take time and enjoy your life. Don't try to think too much about it, don't try to hide it. Time feels to be different, depending on what you're doing, but it's constant. The seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years. They will come and go. But the moments will remain in your minds, in your hearts. Time gives you good and bad moments, but it lets you overcome the bad ones sooner or later, and cherish all the good things happening to you.

It's time to enjoy and appreciate your time, your life. You can only look back at the past, but maybe the future holds something even better for you. Only time can tell....

A bit of neophobia

I have to admit that when it comes to new things I always become some kinda nervous. Yesterday I received the contract from the company I start working at in April, and as much as I'm looking forward to it, I keep wondering: what if I won't get along with everyone? What if I won't be good enough at my job?

Try to reach for the stars: new things are new challenges which allow you to become greater than you already are.
pic by Ian Carroll

I loved my time at college and I also love new things, coz I think life just has to go on. When everything stays the same it gets boring after a while. I need this job. I liked the guys I had the interview with, they were nice and kind, we even laughed at bit and the job seems to be pretty interesting. It's a new challenge that I am willing to accept and I can finally use what I learned - and earn some money again which I really need after college!

Pursue your goal!
pic by Wonderlane

I was talking to a friend about it. He said it's normal that new situations kinda frighten at first, but that is a good sign, like it means I care. But when I would let this anxiety keep me from doing anything because it lets me worry: what if I do anything wrong?, and so I stayed at home, then I could really ask myself if that wasn't the wrong thing to do. It's true that at the end you only regret the things you didn't do. He told me he once was in love with a girl but could never tell her. One day she had a boyfriend, they married and he kept wondering what if he told her about his love for her.

He said, when I don't try something I will never reach something. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes, they let us grow and let us learn from them. When I'd fall I only have to get up again. But if I wasn't trying I would always ask myself "what if?". So, only when I do it, I will know if it works or not. Not working isn't bad. Then I'd learned that I don't want it or it's not the right thing for me.

I know I am not a robot. I am not perfect. And that is not what I wanna be. A new job is a new chapter of my life, and I do look forward to it. I will do what I learned in college. It's not that I do things I have no idea about. After the interview I just felt that it's the right job, I can't explain it, maybe it's the so called "woman's intuition". There might be problems, but they are just waiting for me to solve them. Like I mentioned: if nothing changes and nothing ever happens, life will become quite boring. I am curious, and I let this curiosity be stronger than my fear of new things!

How do you think about it? Are you also worried when it comes to new things? And how do you handle such situations?

Be brave, be yourself

Last week the former German soccer player Thomas Hitzlsperger had his coming out. He waited until his soccer career was over, because he was told to do so. This leaves me with the question, why some people still treat gays differently, most of all when it comes to sports men. I am sure there are football or soccer or basketball player out there, who were told to keep their mouth shut about the truth. Because there are fans who think these sports are "manly" and so there is no room for gays. But what gives them this impression? There are many men out there who have a completely normal life, and are definitely not less manly than straight guys. I guess these prejudices are caused by people who overdress, who love dresses, and lots of jewelry and sparkling pink stuff. There are a few of these man out there who just love that style. It's not wrong, it's just how they express themselves and show who they are. But exactly this might cause what most people think of gays: they are all like that, sparkling and girly.

Love will guide us.
pic by Kasia

When Hitzlsperger revealed last week that he is gay, lots of people couldn't believe it. They said that he always seemed like a "real man". Ouch! Luckily there were also lots of supportive guys out there, who said it's a good thing that he finally came out. Some even said it's brave. I wonder, why do gays even have to come out? Why can't they just live a normal life, everyone can see their partner and is okay with it. I mean, straight guys don't have to come out, so when gays have to, there it already starts that they are treated differently. This also leads that some even fake a relationship or even marriage with a woman (these women get paid for that!), because the men are afraid someone might figure it out, that they actually love men and that they might lose their job because of that.

I like that lots has changed in the past years and for some people, like actors, it mostly doesn't affect their career at all when they reveal being homosexual. Their fans love them for who they are. And I also like people who dare to be themselves. We live in a society where we learned how to fit in. We all wanna be individuals; but are we? We learned what is "normal", which just says what's average. So average is the definition of normality - at least for most people. We grew up, we were told how to behave. And who hasn't heard her parents not only once saying "Behave yourself", back when she was a kid?
And do you know one fairytale in which a man falls in love with another man? No, it's always about the Princess and her Prince. At school we try even harder to fit in a group, we don't wanna be left out. So we learn how to fit in even better. That is the main problem. We learn to do what other, mostly older people tell us to do, without questioning. The older people sure have more experience and therefore know what they say, but maybe a young person can come to a better solution because she is not stuck in the rut. She has a fresh, new point of view, and maybe that can help too.

Older people can be right, but so can young people. I think if someone really wanna be a free, independent and individual person, she has to be interested, not only in herself but also in others. Try to understand them, try to think how they think, and try to find a solution that everyone can be who (s)he is without being afraid.

Love has no limits, no one can live without love!
pic by D. Sharon Pruitt 

This whole story and discussion about Thomas Hitzlsperger lets me think of running a campaign and naming it "Be brave, be yourself". Most of all when it comes to sports, it's still a big deal. I read that even friends told Hitzlsperger to not come out during his career. They were afraid, and I guess so are many sports men and their friends, that the fans start to hate them, don't support them anymore. So what can be done, that even there gay men will be accepted and treated equally? That is what I wanna reach with this campaign and I'm happy for everyone joining the team, giving information or ideas to let this work.

I was actually shocked when I heard a man telling his story. He grew up in Latin America and there, back in the 80s, the people thought it's better to have a criminal than a gay son, so he could not even tell his own parents. Because not only the gays were treated differently but also the entire family. I am glad that these times have changed and like I said many people accept it - that's the way it should be. Well I don't know how it is in Latin America now and I know there are still countries that have a long way till they finally understand that love has no limits. Love is what keeps us alive, as long as we have love in our lives, we are actually living!

I hope that one day, everyone will respect others. We don't wanna be left out, because of who we are. No one wants someone else to tell them how or who to love. "Be brave, be yourself". You have to learn how to be yourself, and not how others to like you. Life is not about who fits in the best, it's the one who dares to be who (s)he is!!!