Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Suddenly too soon

Today is my birthday and normally I should be happy, thinking about the beauty of life, how lucky I am to have these amazing people, my family and friends in my life and all the wonderful guys I 'met' online, and I am happy but I'm also sad at the same time. Last Monday I heard that Cory Monteith died, who played Finn Hudson on Glee. I was shocked and still can't believe it. I can still read the Tweets he wrote last week, he posted a picture, I saw him on TV so often, was impressed by his singing and acting and now he's just gone. It's like when Heath Ledger, Aaliyah and Brittany Murphy died. All so young and talented, and it happened just too soon. 

Now it's revealed that Cory died because of a heroin and alcohol overdose, and once again I'm shocked. Drugs are so often the reason of many people's deaths, so why do still so many take them? It's not on me to tell people what to do and what not, but I hope that at least some guys realise what drugs can cause them, and as hard as it might be, they should try their best to get rid of them or better, do not even start taking them.

Source: Quote that talk Tumblr

It doesn't matter how you lose a beloved person, it's always horrible. Even more when you are far away, and it happened in a sudden. When I first read how Jim Parsons lost his Dad, I couldn't and still can't imagine how he must have felt back then. He had been very close to his Dad, he supported Jim and his wish to become an actor all the time, and while Jim was working on his final project, shortly before his graduation, his Dad died in a car accident. Jim came from San Diego, where he was studying, back to Houston and he didn't wanna finish his Master's degree at first, but then he did it. He realised that he "could only be of use to the family fully if [he] did what [he] needed to do and then went on...". Jim also told Pop Matters that he had a terrible sense of direction but his Dad was good at it, and when he went to New York after his graduation, he knew how to get around so quickly that it boggled his mind. This all reminded me of what my Mom told me when her Mom died in the year 2000. I felt her presence though my eyes were unable to see her. I knew she was there and still is, because like Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry wrote in "The Little Prince": 

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

For me, heaven is not a place up above, it is in the heart of the people we love. When the soul has to leave its body, it will find its peace and be in heaven, when it can continue to live in the people she loves and who loves her. Some fans of Michael Jackson or Elvis think they are still alive and they are somehow, as long as there are people whe won't forget them. Through their music they will always be part of our lives.

picture by Vincent Lock 
Reading about someone who died is always a shock when she was part of your life, and it reminds me of how fast everything can be over. No one wants to talk about it, to think of it, but we have to face it because it's part of our lives. I lost three loved family members when I was a kid, and I never understood why they went. It's hard to realise that you will never see this person again, someone you grew up with, someone you spent so much time with. To realise you will never talk to her, never give her a hug, never hear her voice again, makes me so frightened. 

I thank God that I can celebrate my birthday today, that I completed another year of my life, and I hope much more of them are still to come. I don't take life for granted, and also not all the things I have. I feel lucky and blessed. My prayers go to Cory's family and to his girlfriend Lea Michele. And I dedicate this poem I wrote last year after the Mom of one of my friends died, to everyone who lost a loved person:

Save you

I wish I could save you. I wish I could stay, but you know that I can’t. I never wanted to leave you. And I want you to know, I will never leave you completely. I will always follow you, no matter where you go. I didn’t want to tell you that I have to go, because I never wanted to hurt you. But since you figured it out, I feel something has changed.

I wish I could save you, honey. I wish I could take all the pain away from you. I don’t wanna see you suffering, I don’t wanna see your tears. I need you to smile. I wish I could tell you, it’s gonna be alright. I wish I could ease your pain. But I know that I can’t. I will forever be with you, forever by your side.

Please stop crying, honey, I don’t wanna cry. I want you to smile, I want you to go on for me. I hope you’ll never forget me, as I will never forget you. You’ve been the greatest and best, that ever happened to me. You made me alive. Please understand, that I have to leave. I would love to stay, so please just never forget me.

I will go on living in you. Stop crying, smile for me. Just one last time. I wish I could save you, I wish I could say that it’s gonna be alright. I wish I could ease your pain. I love to see your smile, I love to see you being happy. I still love you and forever will.

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