Sunday, February 9, 2014

The road of life

Last week I had this dream of me being in a house. Everything was broken, like after a big earthquake. There were a few people standing there, one familiar face was looking at me, smiling, nodding. I looked at him, smiled, turned around and started to run. I don’t know what it was that I ran away from. I knew that I was walking on train tracks. I let them guide me and I felt that I was safe if only I kept walking. 
Sometimes I turned and looked back. I was followed. No idea who was it, but I had to run faster. I didn’t want them to catch me. I heard voices saying: „the tracks will end soon, and then she won’t know where to go.“ And they did end. But I was still running. Running in that direction I felt was the right one. I had no clue if it really was, but I kept running. And it felt good. The ones who followed me seemed confused and stopped. I was relieved and woke up.

pic by Coniaric
At first I thought, what kinda crap did I dream? I dream often. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s just weird. But these dreams don’t let me stop thinking about them. I mean there is a reason that I dreamed them. Normally a person only dreams about her day, and mostly forgets what she dreamed after she woke up. But maybe I dreamed about my life, not only a single day, but the current situation I am in.

The longer I thought about it, the more came the story of the book „The Road“ by Cormac McCarthy, which I read last year, into my mind. The most touching father/son story I ever read. They walked on the road, knowing that if they won’t leave it, they will be safe. The world around them was burned, cold, seemed like being lifeless. They couldn’t trust anyone. There could be people hiding somewhere, watching them and maybe who wanted to harm them. So they had to be careful. They had to look for food. People had to leave their houses because of something bad that happened and made the world like this. The father tried to find food, clothes and stuff for his son, to protect him, to keep him warm and alive. That was his priority. Everything they had was each other. They loved, cared about each other. And each other was all they needed. 

me reading "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy
Maybe I am walking on this road, too. Or maybe, like in my dream, I follow some train tracks and believe it’s alright as long as I won’t leave them. Coz if I leave, who will know what’s gonna happen? I wanna survive, I wanna be safe. But sometimes I might have to risk something. I reached a point where I have to leave this safe road. When it ends. Then I have to start finding my own way. But I have to keep walking, don’t go back. I can turn around now and then, but one day I will be on my own path. There might be something or someone that tries to bring me back or hold me back. It needs one person to encourage someone to start her own way. It maybe leads me to wrong places, maybe I choose a wrong direction. But maybe this is needed to show me the right way. There is this saying "to be on the right track". So I believe kids do have to follow, they have to have their parents who are these tracks and guide them. But when they are adults, one day they will come to that crossing where they have to be their own train. That's where I am, or feel to be. I have to start creating my own tracks. They will lead me to my goal, maybe not the straight way, but it’s my way, and the way I'm going it to reach my goals in life, is the right one.

I do love the book, I love the story. What really matters is true love. No matter what kind of love. In this book it’s about a father and his son who are each other’s entire world. They have nothing else, they don’t know what the next day will bring. Will they find food, a place to sleep? But they know as long as they have each other, everything is fine. And they follow the road, and the son follows his father, till the end.

„Borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it.“ 
- my favorite line from "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy 

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