Life's beauty

Sometimes life can be pretty tough. Things change, people leave, things don't work out the way they should. I am sure everyone gets into such situations from time to time. I have been there, too. When I was a kid I kept asking myself why so many persons I love, had to leave me? All my friends went to weddings and christenings, but I had to go to funerals. And I still wonder sometimes, if I bring some kind of misfortune to my loved ones?

This jellyfish looks like our planet Earth and
symbolizes life's beauty.
pic by Steve Jurvetson

Life comes and goes. I have learned that. And it was not only once that I had the wish to live in a perfectly harmonious world. Like shown on TV. I have never had a group of friends who were like my second family and I could share everything with. Or that I met the same guys daily. I only met one friend daily, now it became monthly, and sometimes not even that works out, due to work and that she is already married and has the cutest daughter on earth.

So seeing my friends only a couple of times a year, and that they all don't really know each other coz I met them in different places of my life, I sometimes wish to be back at school. Back to the times when you didn't have to worry bout money, your future or even the next day. You never thought of anything but just lived day after day.

In one of the latest Simpsons episode Homer wanted to live in Lego world, a place where his kids never get old, no one gets hurt and nothing ever changes. And in season 7 finale of The Big Bang Theory Sheldon deals with too much change in his life, too. He runs away, probably like many would love to. But is this the right way to deal with problems? Homer figured out that time with his kids is limited and exactly that makes it special. They will always love him but keep growing too.

Change frightens everyone. We love to do things we got used to, things we know quite well. When it comes to new things, we start analyzing. We wanna figure out the risks, what could happen. And we all feel more comfortable in things that had always been this way. But would it be really good being a kid again, going to school? I would miss many people in my life that I wouldn't have met if I ever stayed that young. Experiences you cannot make. Life is not always easy, as bad as it can be, never close your eyes for the good things too. I am sure there is much in your life that you are proud of. Focus on that. And don't forget:

it is not important what but who you have in your life.  

My current fave German song is about life, its beauty and everything that is still ahead of you and me. Future can be scary, but should not be. If everything stays the same, would this really be a life worth living?

The sadness of being

John Paul II memorial, St. Anne's Hill

When I was in Poland two weeks ago, my friend showed me some pretty interesting places. Her Grandma lives in Silesia and my friend visits her a couple of times every year. It was my first time in Poland and the only negative thing about this trip was, that I don't speak any Polish. Luckily my friend's Grandma spoke some German and her husband some English. I enjoyed my stay there, and I met lots of nice and friendly people.

One day we went to St. Anne's Hill. its chapel is an important destination for Roman Catholic pilgrimage. I took some pictures of this amazing place and also the John Paul II memorial they built to remember his visit in the 1980s. 

Besides all these good impressions, there was one thing that keeps me thinking. My friend showed me her Grandma's neighborhood and where the kids lived she used to play with. We went to the cemetery and she showed me the grave of one of her friends. He wanted to save someone from drowning, wanted to rescue the kid in a nearby lake. The kid survived but my friend's friend died, he drowned. Her best girl friend died in a car accident. Her mother was with her in that car, she survived but will never fully recover from this and what happened to her daughter. Both friends of my friend were only about 18 years when they passed away.

St. Anne's Hill chapel

Too often I don't think about how soon life can be over. I read an article about a girl who died because she was texting while driving. It only needs one second of carelessness, not paying attention what's happening. A crash. People can be injured or even die. More and more often I hear about persons who use their phones while driving. No matter if they "just" want to call someone, write a text or whatever. They underestimate the danger, not only the one they put themselves in, but also other people. You can easily lose control.
Imagine you are driving and then, in the blink of an eye, you see lights coming closer and there is no way for you to avoid a crash. It's not your fault, but the other one's did something on his phone instead of paying attention to the street.

Car accidents happen way too often, and many of them can be prevented. Why do some guys think it's cool to text and drive? Is it necessary to take life for granted and to not think of the risks? Or maybe to think that nothing will happen because nothing happened all the times before? Misbelief.

I think a lot about life and what really matters. I also go often to my Grandpa and my Grandma's graves, just because I want to "see" them. And I think of my time with them, how much we laughed and how much fun we had. Then I think of how many years have passed since then, and that it doesn't seem to be this long. It was like they were just here, and then they were gone. Your eyes can't see them anymore but anyway I can feel that they are still here with me. And when it comes to my Grandma, I'm happy I had these 12 years with her, because the doctors said she will only live a few months more after her cancer diagnosis. She lived more than 10 years longer. So at least we had that time together.

Life is unique, it's special. And once it's gone, well you can't buy a new one or fix everything. It's not like a car or something. Life is precious. And I realized too often how soon it can be over. But it's not important how many years you lived as long as you actually lived. You can only do that when you love, when you embrace and enjoy your life. Be yourself, leave your own footsteps in the sand of life. The people who only follow someone's traces never dared to be themselves.

No money can buy what really matters in life. You're born naked, you enter this world having nothing, and you can't take anything with you when you have to go. But while living, many become greedy, they want more and more. More money, more wealth, more luxury. Sure it's better to have a bit more than a bit less, but having too much can destroy people. They start thinking more and more about making more and more $$, and forgetting about the rest. Friends and family are the ones who won't forget you, who love you for who you are. That's what money can't do. And only true love and someone who really cares for you, makes you happy and alive. Don't take that for granted!

Life on the fast lane

When I look back at my childhood I remember having a pen pal living in Eureka, California and an other one living in Scotland. I wrote them letters by hand, not on the computer, and I sent them by mail. It took a while till their letters reached me, but I had something to look forward to. Waiting for an answer, what might be in the letter? What will she tell me? I was excited and when the letter finally arrived, I opened and read it, and reread it. But what happened to that? People send emails and texts, they don't have to wait for an answer that long. Once they sent a message, a few seconds later their phone blinks or makes a sound, and ta-dah there is the reply.

These days everything is fast, you have no time to rest, and no time to waste. We are all busy and we are always a step ahead. Yesterday at college our lecturer told us, that we can only do something well when we are completely present and aware of what we're doing in that very moment. Only when we pay full attention to it, we can reach the best results. But the problem is, as I said, we're mostly a step ahead. He explained it that normally when we sit we should just sit, when we stand we should stand and when we walk we should walk. But how is it really? When we sit we already think about standing and when we stand we already think where to go.

spend some time with your friends and family
picture by D. Sharon Pruitt

Many people don't allow themselves taking some time, they say: we don't have time for this, no time for that, they are all in a hurry all the time. Everything has to be fast. Sending a letter is for many people a waste of time, because till it arrives and till they get the reply, well that all simply needs too much time. So they grab their phones, type just a few words, but don't waste time writing full sentences or even complete words, and click the "send" button. But by doing that, they already think about the next message they have to send, then the meeting with the boss, then the birthday party of their kid. They are always a step ahead.

Working and doing stuff is great, but imagine a world without waiting. Would it be really that great like many guys think? Is it important that everything is that fast? Is waiting really that bad? When you're waiting till a good book will be released, waiting for a new song to come out, waiting for the new episode of your favorite TV show, waiting for the letter or a phone call or meeting your best friend or relatives again who you haven't seen in a while. Isn't it great when you can take time and wait for something to happen? I guess for soon-to-be parents pregnancy is something very special, when they wait for their kid to fulfill their lives. Imagine there would be a app for your phone and you click on it and ta-dah, your baby is there. As much as you want to meet her, see her and hold her in your arms, you also want to wait, because waiting is part of the whole beautiful experience. 

And isn't it the waiting that makes so many things just easier? I just recently read "The Little Prince" and if you haven't you should do it. There is so much truth in it, and in my next posts I will write about them. When the little Prince meets the fox, it told him that it wants to be tamed because only then, when the Prince takes his time to tame the fox, it will be important to the Prince and the Prince will be important to the fox. Otherwise the Prince will just be one of many princes and the fox only one of many foxes - the time we spend with someone makes this someone special to us. But people have no time to meet new people, to get to know new things. They want everything fast, they buy online instead of going to a mall, they buy instant meals instead of cooking for themselves. But they can't just buy friends, because a good, deep and long-lasting friendship needs time, so many people don't really have friends.

Tame an animal and it won't be just an animal, but a friend
pic by D. Sharon Pruitt

It's even more impressive to read the "The Little Prince", because it was written in the 1940s and it's still relevant. People are busy at work, busy all the time, in a hurry, always a step ahead. But you live right here, right now, so take some of your time to rest, to spend it with your family and friends. Get to know new stuff, new people, don't be in a hurry all the time. Have no time for being in a hurry. Take time to be there for the people you love, and when you're with them, don't think about your next appointment or your job. 

And when you know you will meet someone at a special time, then you can wait for that moment to come. And you will extend your happiness while waiting.

Heading Home

It was a long way, not always easy to get there. I felt cold, I felt warmth, I saw the sun, and I saw the moon. I met people, so many. Some of them were dancing, some were singing, some were acting, writing, painting. I met people who smiled, people who cried, people who suffered. It wasn’t always easy, but it was important. I needed it all. Because they are all part of my experience, part of me. What would I be, how would I be, if some things didn’t happen the way they did? What if I wouldn’t have met some people? Would I still be the same person I am right now?

There’s no doubt that I made the right choice, not always in my life, but most of it. There are things I regret, but the really important decisions, well, they weren’t wrong. One of them was starting to write again. I did this all my life, and when I was writing my play “Like A Fairytale” in 2006, I remember my Mom saying: “Do something useful, do the household or help gardening.” My Dad was fine with it, he just let me write, because he knew that I liked it. I still do, and he still knows, and now also my Mom does. So the decision I made, to start this blog one year ago, was good for me. I could write, not only stories, I could write about things that were just going on in my mind. And I could get in touch with new people, people who let me know their opinion, people who inspire me because they also write about interesting stuff.

What and who is in our heart?
picture by Barbara Unterberger

One year ago I wrote about my Granny, and because Easter is not far away anymore I wanna write about her again. I still miss her. She died in the year 2000, 2 days after her birthday. She was very weak on her final days, and she had to leave this world just way too soon. She was caring a lot, she had the greatest heart a person could have, she loved music, she had the melody in her heart. And she was strong. He had cancer, and the doctors gave her only a few months after the diagnosis, but she lived 10 more years. She was a fighter, and she didn’t want anyone to be sorry for her or to treat her differently. She doesn’t want her family, us, to suffer, too. She kept saying that she was okay. She was smiling, she was enjoying every single day of her life.

The day when my Dad told me, he had to go and drive to my Granny, I knew that she passed. I just nodded, tried to distract myself by watching some TV and keeping an eye on my little brother. My Mom told me later a story about her Mom, when she was a little kid and her Dad was in the Second World War, and the whole family just wanted to have him back. One day my Granny as a little girl was setting the dinner table with her brothers and sisters, as they all heard someone coming upstairs. They knew it was him, they were all so happy to see their Dad again. My Granny opened the door, but no one was there. About 2 weeks later they got a letter that he died.

I thought about this story a lot. Why did they all hear him? I think he came home, and everyone could feel him. I remembered how I had the feeling that my Granny was in my room with me, shortly after she died, and when I looked to the corner where I felt she was standing, I couldn’t see anything. I just believe that heaven is not a place high above, it’s when the soul can go home and continue living in the hearts of the people she loved. My Granny’s Dad came back, they all felt it, and my Granny is still with me. As long as I keep her in my heart she will never die completely. I guess she knew that, before she died. She knew the time would come, she knew her time is limited. Back then I thought she must be acting, but now I am sure that she was actually happy. Not because she died that young, but because she lived 10 years with this cancer. She had these 10 years, she had more time than the doctors predicted. She could spend more time with her family, and that’s the most important thing.

Two hearts belong together forever
picture by db Photography - Demi Brooke

We all have a limited time, it’s not always easy, there are not only easy choices to make, but it’s our journey, our path that we are going. It’s on us, if we waste our life, or if we do what we like, what we love, if we spend our time with the ones we love. Yes, I will keep on writing, this blog was good for me and still is. The first year is over, but that’s just the start. And maybe one day, when I have to leave this world, my kids, or my grandchildren can read all these things on this blog, because all the posts will remain forever. And maybe this will help them to realize that they are not alone, and even if someone they loved died, it doesn’t mean she's gone forever, because what really makes us happy, is to come home, to be home. And as long as you don’t forget her, you will feel that she is still with you and never has left you. The really important things can only be seen with your heart.

It's about the journey

The Big Bang Theory is one of the few sitcoms of which you know how it will end, or at least what’s supposed to happen in the very last episode. Or what's the only thing that makes sense to me...

Of course, I don’t want to see that very soon, and I guess that there will be at least 3 or 5 or even more seasons to come, because of its huge success which is still increasing. But it’s like life. It all started with a Big Bang when Penny came like out of nowhere into the guys’ life. She expanded and now not even Sheldon can imagine his life without her anymore.

We meet so many people in our life. They come to inspire us, to maybe change us somehow and let us see some things differently. They give us another point of view on some things. Certainly, we can’t grow without having all these people in our lives, and no one would be who he is without the people in his life. Family and friends, they make our life worth living.

"We are who we are, because of the people we are with."

And it’s never about someone’s age. My aunt once asked me, at which age I think someone is old. She probably expected me to say, that she is, but she’s only 55. In my mind someone who is maybe 80 is old, but you can’t really define a specific age. Some are 70 and are still very young. It’s about how they feel. My mom once told me about her grandma who went once to a meeting with people her age – back then she was about 70. But she came back and said: "They are all too old for me, I’ll never go back there." 

And she didn’t. My mom’s mom was also very young. When she was 60, she watched the same TV shows than I did at that time and listened to the same music. She did nothing that you might expect a 60 year old woman would do.

picture by Max Murauer

I already wrote about my granny a year ago, shortly after I started this blog. I still miss her and I know that she is still with me, as long as I keep her in my heart and mind. I won’t see her again with my eyes, but she’s still a part of my life, and as long as I won’t forget her, she’ll stay alive through me. She died in the year 2000, 2 days after her 64^th birthday. She was not old, in no way. She loved her life. She loved her family, and she was loved. 

"Life is not about its length, it’s about its intensity."

The Big Bang Theory is just about life. About people coming to us when we least expect but mostly need them. When we lost something, or miss something. Someone who reminds us who we are, when we are about to forget it. Someone who reminds us of a beloved person we once lost somehow, like an ex boy- or girlfriend, someone who moved or passed away. They can inspire us, they help us to get back on the right track. Without other people in our life, it would be senseless. Every new part of our life, every new chapter starts with new people, it all starts with a Big Bang. And like in that show we all know what has to happen at the very end. We don’t want this to happen any soon, though we know the day will come. But it’s not about that, it’s about the intensity, how we live our life, with whom we spend it, who do we choose as our fellow travelers. Because it’s all about the journey.

There can be only one

sure it's beautiful, but do we really need this to be happy?
picture by Sarah Ackerman

What are the most important things in your life? The things you can’t live without? What makes you really happy? Have you ever thought about these questions? I am sure you have. I often ask myself that, mostly when I spend the day at a shopping mall. There are the kids who say: “Mommy, I want that.” or “Daddy, can you buy me that?” Some of the parents roll their eyes, saying they already bought their kids a new toy, or they have something similar, or they don’t have much money anymore to buy it. But kids are kids, the way they look at their parents – yes, they know how to get what they want. Teenagers aren’t differently, they go shopping with their friends, but after they asked their parents for money. They want the new smartphone, or an iPod, new clothes, or whatever. And adults? Well, women never have enough shoes, these two words simply don’t fit together. Men want a jersey, sports stuff, or tools like a drill to prove that they can do everything on their own. But do they need all that stuff? Who is the kid here to tell us what we should buy, what we 'wanna' have?

For many people Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory seems to be from a parallel universe. He just likes different things, doesn’t seem to be very interested in others. Mostly it’s like he doesn’t care what others think about him. But it does make him upset, like when he taught some students physics and afterwards he read their tweets about his lecture and he didn’t read nice stuff. He is as normal as we all are, but his interests are differently. He focuses on brainwork, and to distract himself he enjoys playing video games. But he doesn’t care about shoes or how he is dressed, like in that episode in which Penny fell in the shower and broke her arm and Sheldon had to pick her something to wear. And in this year’s Valentine’s Day episode he gave his assistant Alex 1,000 $ to find Amy a present that she likes. But in the end, he gave her a paper. A single paper that told Amy she is from now on the person to call if Sheldon has an emergency. The money was wasted on things not that important. The real gift, well, can’t be bought and therefore is much more worth. And it never loses it.

We spend lots of our time in front of the TV, we watch the news, we watch our favorite shows, sitcoms, movies. And it shows us a world, a world that’s supposed to be our world. But is this reality the real reality? There are many people out there who suffer because they don’t have much to eat or drink or are very sick. But do we compare ourselves to them? No, we watch the Hollywood glamour, and wish to have such a life. A life in the spotlight, a life without any money problems. Are these the greatest worries we could have these days? Why do we need so much money? Because we see these people and we want that big house, we want these expensive gowns, and we want all these super cool gadgets. The question is: do we need them? Do we really want them or do we only want these things because others have them?

do we always need the newest fashion to be happy?
picture by Bert Kaufmann

Do we already live in our self-constructed world, in our own TV world? Does it affect us that much, that it shows us a reality that is not real and we wanna do everything to make this real and forget the real reality? And wouldn’t that make us a bit like Sheldon, who doesn’t seem to be interested in the real world, but instead thinks he can do everything on his own and prefers to live on the starship Enterprise? Sometimes we all wanna go to another place, to escape from our everyday life. The TV helps us to distract. But it gets better and better, and some can’t distinguish TV world from real world anymore. But that is its intense. Like a kid looking into their Mommy’s eyes: “I want that. Buy me that.” And what does Mommy? She buys her kid what he wants, and is happy that he is happy.

But isn’t it the sparkle in our kid’s eyes that makes us happy? It’s not about the money we spent. When I go to the mall I mostly love to spend time with my friends. When we were at school we saw each other almost every day, but things have changed. I have realized that time is the most precious thing we have, so I just enjoy the time. It doesn’t matter what I buy, or if I buy anything at all. The TV is our starship Enterprise, our escape. But like Sheldon we can’t stay there forever, we have to come back to the real world. Don’t get trapped, don’t let TV manipulate you, show you some commercials and stuff, trying to convince you, that you need this for being happy. If you really wanna be happy, spend time with the ones you love, because no money can ever bring you back the time.

Living in a hologram?

In the Halloween episode of the Big Bang Theory, Leonard showed Penny the hologram of a pencil and told her that the string theory ‘thinks’ that we all live in a hologram, or at least, this can be possible. It reminded me a bit of what I wrote about the 5th season and what it meant to me. ‘This is not what it looks like’ (you find and can read the story when you click on the tab 'My work'). That was the main sentence of the 5th season of the show, and I still love to think about that. I mean, who says what anything looks like?

For those who have read ‘What are you really looking for?’, you might remember that the girl who just appeared, changed the way the guys saw the set, but nothing had really changed. It was some sort of hologram that I thought of, so when I saw that scene I was thinking about exactly that. When you have read a physics book, then you know that what we see isn’t actually there like that. It’s like the computer, which needs only 0 and 1, but what we see and what it is able to show us, is much more than the two numbers.

Same it is in real life. There are only atoms, no form, no colors, nothing. This is all our imagination. You say I’m kidding? No, read a physics book, it’s in there. The way atoms react with each other gives everything its forms and they way the sun reflects on them causes the colors we see. That was a very easy explanation, the truth is a bit more complicated. But when I first read about that, I was really impressed.
I mean that our eyes see things, and our brain turns it upside down to create a senseful picture, that’s what probably all of us know from Biology. But our eyes see no pictures, it’s like the 0 and 1 in the computer. Our brain creates the picture out of the data given by the eyes. So what something looks like is depending on what our brain let us see. With that knowledge I had the idea that when someone would figure out the ‘atom-code’, so the actual atom composition of each body, they could figure out which atoms are needed to change the way the brain creates its picture and you see something totally different instead of what is really there.

Maybe we do live in a hologram, maybe what we see isn’t the reality. It’s just our imagination, but not like in a dream life that we can simply change the way we see it. So often we only see what we wanna see, that’s no question. But maybe the one who once 'programmed' us, wanted us to see it like we see it. I mean if we would live in a world in which we were only able to see atoms, wouldn't this be very weird? Maybe there’s so much unexplored, so much that we yet not know, that we’re not aware of.

The Big Bang Theory

For those who think the Big Bang Theory is 'only' a sitcom and haven't heard of the actual big bang yet. I tried to explain it by using the characters of the show. Hope you guys like it. Would love to read your comments.

the Big Bang Theory - picture from Wikipedia

Sheldon: First there was darkness and cold. Seemed to be nothing. But nothing is nothing. Only one smart genius is needed to prove that. Someone who thinks a lot about everything in the world, in the universe. Everything that contains this world, everything that is in there, existing. Because there is so much more than meets the eye. So much we’re not aware of. And so this one genius looks closer and finds something in the nothing. The one who thinks he’s the center of everything, the beginning. Who doesn’t need anybody else, but everybody need him, to exist, to survive. He feels like the base, the core. And he starts to show it. To show his smartness, to prove that he sees more, that he sees everything more precisely. He shows us something in the nothing. Zoom. Look closer. Can you see them? Can you see the tiny little strings? The tinier the better. Everything is in the detail. You have to remember that. Never forget what happened once.

Leonard: But it’s not only a theorist needed to let this continue. It’s not only about seeing something, and understand it. It’s also about doing. Giving the power, proving that another genius is needed, too. One who doesn’t think that much. One who just does it. He wants to get out from where he feels trapped. He wants to explore the world. He wants to do experiments, tries out new things. Even though the first genius feels comfortable the way everything is, and that everyone has his own spot in the world, the second genius knows there is more out there. And he has to force his friend to realize life is not only about thinking, and same procedures. Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone, to maybe find another, a better place to be. And so he raises a power, bringing the tiny strings together to a big mass. They contract. Getting bigger and brighter, and then in a sudden, they fly away. As fast as a flash, the two geniusses start to move.

Raj: They meet stars which were formed by the explosion. Some had turned to smaller and some to larger masses, the strings are clutching, and the nothing fills with even more something. Better to see for everyone. The stars were moving, but some are getting slower now. One loses his speed for a reason, but he doesn’t want to stand still. He loves to pause, to hold on, and enjoy the beauty of what is in front of him. The colors, the forms, everything. He feels like dreaming, but he wants to feel alive. He wants to meet other stars, he knows they are out there. But he can’t move. He can’t go, he needs help. As beautiful as everything around him is, he feels upset. Deep inside he misses something so badly. And when his dude comes up, and they meet other stars, he starts dreaming again. The beauty of life, one day it will come to him. One day he’ll find the brightest star, and forming a sun.

Howard: No, he’s not a rocket scientist. But he loves the space, he loves the speed. He rushes through the universe, and everything is interesting to see. The stars, the planets. Everything that is out there. And he loves to meet them all, get to know them better. Some he might only see, but can’t get that far, so he starts fantasizing. He’s maybe not the smartest, but he is looking for every chance to meet new stars. He wants to show that even he is someone special and he needs stars to prove it. So he’s like a rocket, flying through space, taking his slow friend with him. He helps him to meet other stars, and explores more and more. But one day he comes too close to the orbit. He’s attracted, can’t go anywhere else. His journey is over, the rocket has landed.

Bernadette: Though she’s not big, she’s powerful. She knows what she wants and when she wants it. She’s smart, and that’s how she got him. He’s powerless. She has to take care of him from this moment on. He felt safe in his home, his rocket. But now, he has to finally move out. He lives with her now, the rocket is gone, the reality is shown and their future ahead. Something small can expand into something big. The small ones can have the largest power. She stopped him to move any further. He’s with her, starting a new life. Tiny little creatures crawling on the earth. Coming out to see the light. Like a waitress, she serves them life, gives them love, as she has lots of love to give. Nice and endearing, but rude to everyone who wants to stop her in any way.

Amy: The tiny lives develop. They become bigger, and so their brains. It’s once again all about thinking. Thinking more closely, looking more presicely. The strings are now in the brain, forming synapses to help remembering. Remembering traditions, procedures, to remember where you belong to, where your spot in life is. The brain is needed for every being. The better the brain works, the easier the living organism can survive. The brain is a mystery like the universe. So much no one knows about it, so much no one is aware of. But one genius will find the solutions. She’s another genius who thinks as much as the first, but wants to develop, wants to see more than what’s just in her mind. She feels to be in between the tiny creatures, and what she wants to become. But she prefers what she sees as her future. And so the development continues.

Penny: Everyone of these geniuses are parts of her life. Like an actress she can play everyone. It’s on her which character she choose to play in her life. But she can do them all. She knows them very well. Every new day is another chance to 'serve', to showcase someone else, like a waitress, to the audience, the people who surround her. Like the waitress who serves life, she shows varieties of life to the people. That they can see there’s so much more out there, things we can’t make out with our eyes. The life we now know and have, needed time, needed development. Smart geniuses, all very different, are part of us right now. That girl in the end is what the brainiac wants to become, and the reason for the second genius that he forced his friend to move. Just that he can find his spot in life.

The moment

Last week I wrote a new poem which I now want to share with you. It started with that one thought, that one sentence which came into my mind:

Here and now, this one moment, arose from the past, for lasting unforgotten in the future.

It’s there, all the time,
surrounds me, but I can’t catch it,
I can’t hold, can’t keep it.
I can’t actually see it,
but I feel it.
I wanna hold it, don’t wanna give it away,
it flows like water through my hands.
It doesn’t stop,
once it’s gone, it will never come back.
Even though I wanna frame it, capture it
that I will never forget it,
but I simply can't.
It changed everything,
turned my life upside down,
I can’t describe it,
don’t know where it came from.
Out of a sudden it was just there,
felt like rushing by,
like a shooting star in the sky.
It was so special, it was so unique,
I know it’s gone, I know it won’t come back.
But that doesn’t matter,
because I’ve saved it in my mind.
FOREVER.

the life is full of moments, take your time and enjoy them all

Whole life in 24 hours

I might have mentioned the last book I read. It's called 'Before I Go To Sleep' by S.J. Watson. I have to admit it's one of the best books I ever read and recently finished reading it. The story is about a woman who wakes up every morning and has no memory. She can't remember anything. Imagine you wake up, and don't know where you are, or even who you are? Every day you have to discover yourself.

She only has a few memories of her youth, and sometimes she can remember a few things, but after she went to sleep and wake up the next morning, it's like the last day didn't exist. She only lives for the day. The time has no meaning. The man she wakes up with every morning, she can't remember him either but has to believe what he tells her. About their marriage, about their son, about their life. Every day the same.

Her doctor had the idea that she should write some sort of journal and he calls and reminds her every day to read what she did the days before, and what memories she had. And so she writes about her life every day that she can re-read the thoughts she had that day some days after. That she can read her own memories, and has not just believe what others tell about her and her life. So the diary gets longer and longer, and the reader is like that woman who reads her journal and gets to know about her and her life.

Living with no memory of yourself and your life is really hard.

It let me start thinking about memories. What would we be without them? Isn't it our memory that makes the person that we are right now? We remember the good and the bad things that occured to us in life. We met people, those we can trust, and some who really disappointed us in any way. Luckily I haven't met many belonging to the last group of people, but I do have met some weird guys, and also some mean and dishonest people. Memories help us not to do the same mistake again, and also let us remember the people who once left us can so that they can still be alive in our memories.

How would it be for you losing your memory? That you don't know who you are, how your name is, to whom you're married? That you don't recognize your own kids, or brothers and sisters? I guess it would drive me crazy. It's like starting a new life over and over again, and don't have any life at all. I mean you neither have a past nor a future. You just live right here and right now. It's like meeting a stranger, but also knowing that you're meeting yourself. Every day is like a whole life. Next one starting tomorrow after waking up, will last 24 hours or less, depending on when you fall asleep, and then it will all start again.

Where home is

I have spent some time abroad, on Grand Canary, and I really enjoyed it. That's also the reason why I didn't blog that much within the last few weeks. For me it was the first time I spent on the island. The view from my room was amazing and I wished I could have taken it with me, but unfortunately it didn't fit into my suitcase :(
On the first day someone from the travel agency told us a bit about the Spanish island. I was mostly astonished about the fact that it hasn't rained since May last year. Where I live it's normal that it rains almost every week (not now, because I have at least taken the heat with me).

the view from my hotel room - could be worse, right? -kidding ;)

Every day was warm, and even it was sometimes a bit cloudy, it never rained and though it was windy at the beach, it had never been cold. The temperature was constantly about 85 degrees - so I was totally happy because I love it when it's warm and sunny like that. My family and I rented a car and explored the isle. We saw some harbors, cities, and lots of mountains. It was really impressive, and we also met lots of friendly people. I am not that person who finds it easily to just go to someone I've never met before and have a chat, but the few I spoke with, were very kind. Of course we spent a day at the beach, too. Not that many because I am very pale, and when there was one thing I didn't want to bring home was a sunburn. Luckily I didn't ;).

no it's not Egypt - it's Grand Canary - just a big sand box ;)

But for some reason, as much as I always look forward spending some time abroad, to sit on a plane (though I don't understand why so many people applaud after landing - I mean no one claps his/her hands after I've done my work well), and fly far away from home, I am also always happy when I am back home again. Mostly I'm already happy when we drive through the city I was born. But this time, it was the first that I felt nothing. When we sat on the bus back to the airport, it just felt for me like we're making another trip. And now, that I am home again, I felt like I haven't been abroad - though I have all the memories about what we did, what we saw.

like taken from a movie - the mountains of Grand Canary

Do you know what I mean? Maybe it was because it was only a week, maybe because it was the first time after 4 years that I saw a beach and palm trees again. Maybe I felt that it wasn't time to go back home. Can this be possible? Or that I feel that the place I was born is no longer my home? Can this change? I still live with my parents, and I wanna have my own place, but as I don't earn any money right now - but start to look for some writing jobs to get at least a bit money - I simply can't move. When I have finished my basic studies I hope I can do my internship semester somewhere within the US. I hope that I can convince my friend to go next year with me to Los Angeles, visting my relatives and finding out if I really can imagine living there.

Do you still feel at home where you was born or has this changed? Can the definition of home change? Is home always where you come from, or where you feel currently happy?
I guess it's the place where you love to be, spending most of your time, where you have your friends. I think as we all change, our safe place can change, too. I will never forget where I come from, and it could be that I will miss it once when I spent too much time far away. Of course I have my family here, and that will be hard when I can't see them daily anymore, but I guess I have reached a point in my life when I wanna start and live my own life.

What makes a good parent?

Last Saturday I celebrated my 24th birthday. And it was the first time I spent it with Ella, the cute little daughter of my best friend. Of course I have already seen her before, but on my last birthday, my friend Krissy was still pregnant. I was shopping with her not just once, to buy all the baby stuff. It's simply amazing that the little girl will already turn 1 year next month. Time is really rushing by. I never felt like that when I was a child - back then a year seemed to be endless.

kids need to be loved....

Ella was wished, but later. My friend wanted to go to college first and after that she wanted to have a baby. She felt too young and not really ready, but after she figured out she was pregnant, she knew that she wanted the child. I read so many discussions about when a life actually starts and for me an unborn baby is already alive, because he or she lives. And when you feel your baby moving in you, it is already a part of you that you don't wanna miss anymore. I think it doesn't depend on someone's age to get the fear doing something wrong. I think when you feel too young or say you first need to earn enough money to allow your child the best possible childhood, you are already caring, and that makes a good parent.

I heard so many people who said that they could never raise an adopted kid or have a foster child. Because they wouldn't feel connected to them. One friend of my mom also said, that she doesn't know about the parents and so doesn't know what the child will once be like. But seriously, do you know that about your own child? And isn't it the education, the way you raise your child, the way he or she becomes? I think DNA is just a base. It's like the stage in a theater and the education is the play.

...and wanna show their love

My aunt has three foster children and she loves them all like they would be her own kids. The parents of two of the kids, who are actual brother and sister, don't care about their kids. They haven't given them much food, so they were totally scraggy and are still much smaller than they are supposed to be. My aunt gave this kids a new chance to live. When they were asked if they wanna go back to their parents they said no. These days they don't even wanna have contact like telephone calls or writing  letters. I guess that is really sad, and why shouldn't there be a person who help these innocent kids? Don't they have a right to live?

I have often asked myself what actually makes a good parent? A good parent takes care of his or her child, gives him or her a place to live and share his or her love. Love is what keeps us alive. If a mom doesn't feel ready and think she couldn't raise the baby and give it a good childhood - whatever the reason for that would be - and so she gives away her baby, I think that makes a good mom. Better than keeping the baby and let him or her suffer by not giving them anything to eat and drink. Someone who has the chance to raise a baby, and give this given-away baby a new chance to live and a new home, isn't that a good mom, too?

I also think that gay people can be good parents. It might be a little bit strange for most people, because it's simply not that common yet, but as long as they are caring. Why not? After I have seen Neil Patrick Harris on Kelly Ripa last month I believe that he and David are good fathers. They really love their twins and spending time with them. They can't have their own children, and I know that there are lots of couples, not only gay couples, who can't have own kids either, so an adoption is the only possible way for them to raise a baby.

DNA is not the only connection. The biggest connection is love. Everyone has love to give. And wouldn't it be a good feeling if you would know you helped a person? This little girl or boy wouldn't be able to live without you, or not that well? Wouldn't it be as you would have given this person a life? What makes a good parent for you?

Not only a fence to share

Some neighbors only share their fence, but we shared everything. -Susan Delfino on the serie's finale of Desperate Housewives

How fast can eight years pass? The answer: incredibly fast. Even though none of the guys will ever read this, I really wanna thank Marc Cherry for creating such a wonderful show. I honestly will miss Bree, Gaby, Susan and Lynette. How great was the time with these ladies on Wisteria Lane? Since that show, I know that we are all actors in this life. We do our best to hide our darkest secrets, we pretend to be perfect, even if we are not. There are only a very few in our life, we let know everything about us - but really everything? Certainly not.

Not our closest friends really know everything. We all have our role in this life. No matter if we are the perfect housewife with her best behavior, her well-educated kids, and her wonderful husband. Or the manager who has everything under control: the job, the husband, the kids. The one who is simply beautiful, has nothing to do but her husband earns lots of money that she can have such an easy-going life. Or the one showing her feelings, who can't lie and might cares the less of what others think about her. Or she just ignores that, or at least tries to do that. We now know, that these four are not just like that.

Four very different girls who lived on the same street. Neigbors came, neighbors went. And they all had secrets. In the last ep, when we saw who moved into Susan's house, also this girl has a secret - one we might never find out. She pondered that it could be boring in the suburbs but Susan replied that it's anything else than that. Okay the stories were a bit far-fetched, we all have to admit that so much never happens on one single street. But what makes us sure of that? How much do we really know about our neighbors?

Do you talk to them? Are they your friends or are neighbors just neighbors? What do they know about us? What do we tell them? What do we want them to know, to believe? Are they supposed to know everything? Yes, some neighbors only share their fence, most of them. I have learned a lot from Desperate Housewives. About life, about family, about friends. I love the way Mary Alice told us about her friends after she passed away. It's sad that they all drifted apart in the end - maybe not Lynette and Susan as they have the same grandchild - but it's true. I also lost good friends, when they moved away. Some did not move but changed a lot.

This is the first Sunday without an new episode of Desperate Housewives. One of many to come. The path we walked together is over. It was a great time, I will miss it in some way, but I am also happy that this show was part of my life. Open your eyes to your neighbors, you don't want them to be your enemies. Life is right around the corner, only a fence away. A neighborhood, no matter where it is, is, when you look closely, anything else than boring.

Don't wanna sing another love song

What are the most songs about? Right: love. The most people sing about love, finding love, the love of their life. Like nothing else is more important than that. Love is all around, we all wanted to be loved. I agree with that but sometimes we have to realize that our life has not only love to offer.

When I watch the news I see war. Fighting people, guys shooting others, doing bad things to other people. I see guys committing arson, stealing, guys who hold others hostage or rape them. Where does all these cruelty come from? Why do so many people hate others, what went wrong with these guys? Maybe they never had a good social life, they always lived on their own or they were treated very badly or just no one took ever notice of them. I don’t know what it brings them to do such evil things.

Some guys are quite normal and no one would have ever considered that he or she would do such a cruelty. Okay we have to say, that mostly men or boys want to show their power over others and wants to start a fight, but I would never say that girls or women can’t have the same level of cruelty. And even if it’s not about the crime that happens every day all over the world, it’s also the sickness and poverty of so many people like in Africa. Why do we have so much and they still live like 100 years ago? They don’t have electricity, no warm water or even water at all, not even a toilet. We can’t imagine life without all these things and we complain everyday about our 'bad' life.

We don’t need a villa with a swimming pool, golden faucets and stuff like that. We only see the people who have that, so we believe we should have that, too. But when we see the people who really suffer, we don’t care. Is that the right behavior? We convince ourselves not to know about these things, we see bad things all the time in the news. What we wanna see is the glamour and beauty of life. And so we sing another love song.

Everything in a trash bag

And when she left the world, the only one standing beside her grave was her unfulfilled dream.

We want to do so many things in our life, but sometimes we don’t feel ready for it now. We think and think about it, we know deep inside that we really want that, we just can’t do it now. We don’t dare. We might think about all the consequences. That it could be a mistake. We don’t trust ourselves and therefore we never try.

I was not only once in the situation that I said to myself I wanna do this and that. And when I don’t wanna do it now, I just said: I’ll do it later. But when is later? Some minutes, some hours, or maybe weeks, even years? Who knows if this ‘later’ will always come?

Someone once told be about all this optimistic guys. She likes that, but she also told me that so much stuff happens every day, she sees it when she reads the newspaper or switches on the TV. “They say they clean the house later, they write the letter to their friends later, they visit someone they haven’t seen for a long time later or call him later. They have so many plans for later, but no plans for now. How can they be sure that this later will come? That they have later so much time for all these things?”

I had honestly no words. I mean are we really such optimistics? We talk about the cruelty in this world, we are good in complaining, seeing all the negative aspects, but anyway: we live for the future. Why don’t we do things now? Why later? Is later always better?

When this later will come, and you say later again, there will come a time when later won’t be possible anymore. This one woman also told me about her visit in a retirement home. People who passed away were just packed in a trash bag, lying on the floor in the basement. People of whom no relatives were found. She doesn’t want to end like that. She doesn’t want to be alone and her whole life is wrapped in a black bag. She likes being optimistic, but she is realistic, and therefore she cleans now, she writes now, she visits her friends now, she calls them now.

“We live now, that’s what we know for sure, we hope to live later, too, but who can certainly know that?”